I am beautiful on an empty page

There are moments of self-doubt. There are days where nothing I write sounds or feels right. I question the character, the plot, the dialogue. Should I really be attempting this from first person narration? Third person is so much safer. I wonder if I am crazy to even attempt this.

And then there are moments where quick line changes take a messy paragraph and transforms it into near perfection. When another piece to the story comes to me while I brush my teeth or sit at a traffic light. Where I start to see these characters as real people, with faults and flaws and details that just make you want to love them. I love them all, even the villains. You have to, to write like this.

These are the parts to writing that thrill me. Some dreams you chase, some dreams, you have to wait for them to come to you, to choose you. This is my dream. I cannot wait to see where it takes me. For now, I write this for myself and the ones who have shown interest in reading it. But who knows where it will go.

18,000 words written so far. There is still so much to put down, but I will hopefully be posting part of it soon.

During a commerical break of CSI

Mike: Hey, I finally got to use one of your tidbits of information to answer one of Tim's questions today.

Me: Oh yeah? Which one?

Mike: He asked why when some people sing, they don't have an accent, but then will start talking, they do. I was able to tell him it was because of the creative verus the logical sides of the brain and how one is for language and one is for singing.

Me: Ahh . . . Glad to know I serve more of a purpose now than just sex and baking cookies.

Now before anyone jumps to conclusions here

This is an impulsive buy. Nothing more! Do not read into this as anything other than a penguin lover/future mother (in say, 2012) seeing a onesie for $1.00 at Target.

It was too cute and too cheap to pass up. And definitely led to a priceless, confused look on Mike's face when he started digging around in my shopping bag to see what I had purchased. And I reassured him, as I am doing now to you, dear Internet, there is no bun in the oven.

I was out with Sarah today and she point blank asked me "When are you going to have a baby?". She's more persistent than my mother about this. I love my best friend and I know she is just anxious to see me pregnant and doting over my own children the way I do her babies. Her girls are all so beautiful and smart. Larkin and I were having a picture Q and A in their foyer today and she pointed out every one of her family members perfectly. I am shocked how quickly these little girls are growing and how quickly they are becoming people, with opinions and personalities and determination.

I look forward to that, in my own time. Something has shifted in me in the last month and where I felt I was just bidding my time until it was "financially appropriate" for us to have a child, now I realize that I am still not ready for it. I still need to be a little selfish before I can become as self-less as a mother needs to be.

But still, the onesie was too cute and I know come 2012, it won't around. So I'll tuck it into a drawer somewhere and wait.

Celebrations

Saturday night played off to be quite lowkey, since a number of my friends were under the weather. So we had dinner at Red Robin (Thanks to Mom and Dad, Mike, Kate and Joe, Aja, John and Brian for all coming out!) and then we made plans for dancing next weekend, when everyone is feeling better. Then John, Brian and I headed to Scooters in Portland for some drinks. Seriously, ladies, these are two fantastic guys!

I am working out every day this week to get ready for our night out on the dance floor. It's been a long while since I have looked or felt this good.

The Finish Line

It's kind of hard to believe that I only have 23.25 hours left. Seriously, unreal. How quickly these weeks and months have passed and yet, there were days that would drag on so slowly, I could feel myself aging. I cannot imagine how some of my classmates have done this for a year and a half or two years or even three. But the flexible schedule the VSB offers is made for people like them, who cannot come 9 to 5 or 9 to 8, as in my case.

I am not really sure when it all kind of clicked together and started to make sense, but somewhere along the way, it did. I am not about to boast that I am any good at anything, but I definitely don't feel the urge to run and hide every time a client walks through the door. Well, sometimes, I do, but if you saw some of the people who walked through our doors, you'd understand. You'd run and hide too.

I knew going in that this would be the kind of schooling and education where I got about as much out of it as I put in. But I was confident in the fact that I was a bit older, with a little bit more real world workplace experience behind me, knowing that no, I do not want to work with filing cabinets for the rest of my life. I don't want to put phone calls through to voicemail and I certainly do not want to spend my life stuck under a salary cap because most receptionists/assistants do not make more than $XX.XX amount of money an hour.

I wanted something that wouldn't deaden my creativity, that wouldn't keep me pinched under micromanagement and political power struggles in an office setting. While I could dress up and play the part, I couldn't keep the improv of happy office worker going forever.

It still kills me that this is a job. No, a career. People are going to pay me to play with their hair. To paint their nails. To inflict necessary pain on them with rapid hair removal. To do their makeup and make them feel fabulous. It's too much fun.

It really has been fun. Honestly, there is no other way I could have imagined spending the last 8.5 months of my life. This was probably the smartest move I have made in a very long time. I'm just so glad that I had the tenacity to see it through.

I never doubted I wouldn't make it, but it's still kind of amazing to see that I am really here at the finish line.

I take my practical boards on Dec 2nd. I need to schedule my written exam here for hopefully next week. And then, I'll be licensed and ready to work just in time for the Christmas season.

Christmas already? Where did 2008 go?

Oh, that's right. I waxed it.