Dolly Dooz

Sweet Jebus

2012-01-27T01:17:00.000-08:00

It's been almost 17 months since I last blogged. I had my reasons, I'm sure, though I cannot recall what all they were. It wasn't like a decision I came to one day, or any form of a clear thought like "That's it, I am NOT blogging anymore." I just stopped.

I have missed it. I suppose I figured most of the friends who were visiting here and reading this were also on my facebook and could just read up on things there. But the bigger facebook gets, the more people you find or find you and before you know it, your fourth grade teacher, your third cousin on your mother's side in England and your long last pen pal from middle school are all your friends and you suddenly develop a very strict filter.

Of course, it probably is a good thing that I haven't been blogging. My fiancee (yes, I have one of those now!!!!) is a very private man and he isn't thrilled that I post as much as I do on facebook. I can only imagine what he would say/feel about me posting so much more openly on here than I do on there. However, I was the girl who wrote her Senior Paper in high school on censorship, so it may come down to me just flexing those filter muscles and being careful. Who knows where it will lead.

I still have people coming all of the time and reading an entry I wrote back in 2008. It's crazy, but I suppose that is what happens when you use a fan fiction author's name in your title. So I am going to try to be a little bit better about updating the blog.

So let's see. I left off with a few tales of horrific dates I had been on. And I had a few more after that. Then, in the winter of 2010/2011, I decided to take a break from dating entirely. It just got to be exhausting, trying to find someone, so I decided I would just wait a bit for him to find me. And he did. Or rather, friends found him for me.

In February 2011, a friend named Courtney sent her husband Trevor in for a haircut and while I was taming his mullet (no, I am dead serious. It's gone now, but back then, it was all business/party) he happened to ask if I was seeing anyone. I wasn't and told him so. He didn't say much else. So a week went by and Courtney came in with their son for his hair to be trimmed and I asked her about it.

"Oh, that's because he wants to introduce you to someone."

Now, this couple set me up about a year prior to that with a gentleman who was nice enough, but we didn't hit it off. I was a bit skeptical after that, simply because I didn't know if they knew what kind of guy I was looking for. To my recollection, they never met my ex, so they didn't have much to go off of. But Courtney assured me he was a great guy and we would meet soon enough. (In hindsight and knowing Trevor as I do now, chances are he was just trying to get his friend laid. I doubt he thought we'd be as great of a couple as we are.)

Soon enough ended up being about a month later. If you ask Rob (that's his name, btw) he'll tell you we met at a truck stop. If you ask me, I'll tell you it was a blind date. Both are true. Courtney got tickets to a fresh faces concert at Jubitz, a truck stop in North Portland with a lounge called the Ponderosa. She got me to come because I heart country music and she also mentioned that Rob would be there. She got him to come because it was her birthday and she is a force to be reckon with for sure. For me, it truly was a blind date. I had no idea what he looked like. He'd seen one picture of me while I was cutting their son's hair, but I can almost guarantee you it was not a good angle of me.

We hit it off well enough to go out a second time and by the end of the first week (where I think we saw each other about five times) I was smitten. By the end of week two, I was referring to him as my boyfriend and by the end of April, he had met my family and all of my friends (courtesy of my birthday). By the end of May, I was technically, though not officially, living with him. We just kind of knew.

He proposed over Labor Day weekend. That story is super sweet and I have pictures for it too, but I will have to save it for another entry.

We are planning a June wedding. It will be small and intimate and a lot of fun. I am just hoping the weather holds up for us, since PNW weddings are always a crap shoot, thanks to the rain. But the last week of June is usually a decent week. I have my dress (its gorgeous) and my shoes, we have the location and the friend who will be officiating. We have asked our Best Man and Matron of Honor and they have accepted. Now it is just a matter of getting all the other million little details ironed out.

(By the way, do you know how easy it is to be ordained online to be an officiant? Its so easy, I became ordained the other night just for kicks and giggles. So if anyone needs me to marry them, I totally can do it now!)

I have to say I am so ready to be this man's wife. You'd think a girl would be thrilled to be able to plan two weddings for herself, but there is an underlining layer of dread in me. It is like having a second job, planning a wedding. And in the end, it is all for ONE DAY. One incredible, magical, unforgettable day, but one day nonetheless. So we are trying to be reasonable (okay, I am trying to be reasonable) and keep things to a budget that won't make us cringe, ever.

And if I ever worry about family and close friends feeling denied a huge, elaborate wedding, I remind myself that my brother is getting married in early March and they will all get their fill there. I am so thrilled to be Maid of Honor in that wedding. It's pretty awesome to be close enough to your brother's future wife that she asks you to be her MOH. I had hoped I would get a sil that was that awesome; I just never dreamed I would.

To be fair, I am gaining two sisters this year, as Rob has a younger sister named Melissa. We haven't met in person, but we have hit it off on facebook and we seem to have common interests. I mean, she's a Joss Whedon fan, so really, that was all I ever needed to know.

Positive Alternative

2010-09-01T11:02:00.001-07:00

He was tall, dark and handsome and sitting across from me in a booth at Denny's at about 1 am on a Saturday morning. I had just left another less than stellar date when he called and wanted to meet up, mostly to avoid having to walk into his house and past his roommate and girlfriend having sex on the sofa. "The whole place probably reeks of vagina."

Yes, folks, I was a positive alternative to a house reeking of vagina. I should have just gone home right then and there. But I was hungry and craving those pancake puppies that Denny's has on their menu, so I went. And while no penises were displayed for me, TDH did pull out his Droid, brought up my profile and began to compared my pictures "the real deal". When I admitted that of course they were some of the best of best of me I'd put up, he cooed "Awww . . . you think you're ugly, don't you?"

What do you say to that? Yes, I do. You sound like you are either fishing or have horrible self-esteem. No, I know I am smoking hot. You sound conceited and stuck up. Its a double edge sword I didn't ask to play with.

He also started to read to me what I had posted about myself. "You like music and movies. How original!"

"Yes, I know what it says. I did write it. " TDH smirks to himself and I begin to lose interest, in both him (which was only mild to begin with) and my puppies (which were not nearly as delicious as I had recalled). It also did not help that TDH pointed out that they looked like battered testicles.

So at some point, once we were done eating, he gets up and moves to my side of the booth (ahhhh flashbacks!!!) but not to show me his member. He's 6'6" and wanted to stretch out his legs. And there the rest of our 'date' commenced, with both of us kind of talking at each other, not with each other as he watched other late night diners walk in, scantily clad women and bewildered looking men who were quite thrown by this TDH man staring at them.

Then he laid his head on my shoulder. "Your shoulder feels good for a stranger."

I think I'm going to stay that way to him. . . a stranger.

30 before 30

2010-08-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

The inevitable is coming . . . I'll be turning 30 on April 24th, 2011. And while I may be a little late on really getting started on accomplishing (or even finishing) this list, I am trying to tackle some of the things on here before I close out my 20's.

1. Achieve my dream body (Drop the weight, achieve desired tone and definition)
2. Take a finance class (Dave Ramsey here I come!)
3. Go see a movie entirely alone (sad, huh?)
4. Finish writing the novel (Nothing More, that is)
5. Get my passport (You know, so I can finally travel)
6. Learn to make tamales (They just look hard)
7. Read camera owner's manual and really learn my camera (I never read owner's manuals)
8. Improve my photography skills (This will be easy . . . they are pretty basic right now)
9. Learn to crochet (Seems that it is coming back into fashion)
10. Brush up on my calligraphy (I used to be decent at it)
11. Sing karaoke alone (Also, preferably not drunk)
12. Road trip with Sarah (Anywhere. I don't care where we go)
13. Finish the cross stitch I started for Mom in 2001 (I doubt she'll want it but yeah, its time)
14. Write and deliver an amazing toast at Kate and Joe's wedding - Did it! August 8th, 2010
15. Be able to do 30 minutes on the step mill (Right now I can do 12 minutes tops. Rumor has it, it gives you a booty!)
16. Be able to do hanging crunches (Six pack, here I come!)
17. Run a ~~half marathon~~ 5k (hahaha! Trying to keep it realistic)
18. Actually learn to like running (because I usually only run if I am being chased!)
19. Read "The Secret" (I never finish self-help books)
20. Learn to meditate (Shut off my brain? We'll see if that is possible.)

This is where I ran out of ideas and started listing ones I had wanted to do and have already accomplished
21. Get a tattoo - January 25th, 2004
22. Learn to knit - November 24th, 2005
23. Do the Avon 3-Day 60 mile - July 12-14th, 2002
24. Pierce my navel - March 27th, 2001

And finally . . .I have slots for 6 more things.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29
30.

Anyone got suggestions for the last six? I realize this is my life and therefore, my list . . . but has anyone else done this?

Adventures in Dating

2010-08-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

One of the most interesting (entertaining, mind-numbing, exhilarating, dread-inducing) aspects of the end of a relationship is, of course, when you decide it is time to start dating again. Having been with my ex for about four and a half years when we finally called it quits, my dating game is a little dusty, and therefore, my dating tools are rusty as well. Relearning the ins and outs has been smirk-worthy, to say the least and though I have only been dating now for a handful (five or six) months, I do have some stories to share.

I shall share them as they come, because they are too good not to, but I am going to change the names because, well, this is the internet. In 2010. Chances are, they may stumble across the blog.

So a few weeks ago, I met this guy (we'll call him Softie) at The Kennedy School in North Portland. He was from SE Portland, so it was about halfway for both of us and I am a big fan of the McMenamins establishments. I will admit that I met him online on one of those free dating sites that seems to be filled with more fakers than shakers and while he was very nice and we had some witty banter between us, he wasn't quite what I thought he would be. (I really need to stop making so many assumptions based on photos and also to remember that a lot of short men all say they are 5'11". It seems to be the average lying height. Its like all women saying they weigh about 140 on their license when in actuality, its like 180). But we had a few beers and an appetitizer and then he randomly got up from his side of the booth and slid in next to me on my side.

He grabbed my right hand. He slid it into his lap and suddenly I am feeling the unmistakable soft skin of his penis. "Why am I touching your dick?" I ask him.

"I want you to feel how soft it is."

"Its actually quite hard."

"Yeah, but the skin is so soft . . . "

Clearly, he's not getting a second date.

2010-08-16T22:27:00.000-07:00


Post dinner, pre-toasts. Mom snapped this pic of me with the bride, my best friend Kate.

So we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the official wedding photos of Kate and Joe Fernald, which were taken by my dear friend Jim of Semlor Images, but he is an artist and we cannot rush art!

The Winner (for now)

2010-07-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

The winner (for now). Due to unexpected sales (and therefore, the selling out of my top two choices), I had to go for another selection. I ordered it a little large, recalling that dresses in the wedding world are sized differently. However, I am holding out hope that since I still have over five weeks and am in the gym nearly 12 hours a week, I won't have to have much done to it. I am not sure what exactly it is about the one shoulder that I love, but I did read somewhere that men love it too and a single gal can't go wrong with that!

ISO - LBD for MOH

2010-06-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

In less than seven weeks, I will be participating in my first wedding, other than my own and the search is on for a knee length, minimal cleavage revealing black dress. The bride decided to let her bridesmaids choose their own dresses, with the two previously mentioned requirements. Being chesty, that second requirement definitely makes things a little more difficult for me. And though this day will most definitely not be about me, I do want to look my best. So the search is on. And so is massive amounts of working out and hitting the WW with religious-like dedication.

So far, these are my favorites (in my price range):
London Times Dress from Macy's
Maggie London Sleeveless from Nordstrom

Both, as you can see if you check the links are slim fitting. Which means absolutely no mercy at the gym. I actually want to look better for this wedding than I did at my own and I think this time, I have the willpower to achieve it.

Oh, did I mention I'm the Maid of Honor in this wedding?

New

2010-06-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Sparky

Just a quick hello before I head downstairs to fix dinner for "The Boy". Been casually seeing someone for the last month or so and its been going very well. Our work schedules don't always match up, but we have been trying to keep Wednesdays as our standard "date night". Kind of strange to be back in the world of dates and such.

I know its been a few months since I last updated and I miserably failed the Love List. I am going to try to stay more on top of things here. Been busy with work, working out (I am hitting the gym 5 days a week now), reading and occasionally spending time with "The Boy". But also, I picked up a fun new toy for my birthday in April- a Nikon D40. Above is one of the many shots I have taken with it, of our family dog, Sparky. It is part of a birthday present I am making for my mom.

I am so excited that Blogger finally came out with easy to adjust and manipulate layouts. I tweaked this yesterday to mimick a layout I have loved from years but was never made for Blogger.

So. . . how are you?

Music to my ears

2010-02-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

Love list # 6, 7, 8 & 9

#6 - Well Written Lyrics

     While I have been told I have a way with words, I am often in awe of those who I feel do it far better than me. Namely, songwriters. Not only do they have to be clever and inventive with their word choice and usage, but they also have to do to music. Having never taken more than a year of recorder lessons in elementary school and a handful of keyboarding classes (before I begged my mom to let me quit), I am not all that talented with music. Sure, I can sing but even reading sheet music is a struggle. Being that I do love a talented twist of the tongue, I find myself often jotting down lyrics that strike me and inspire me. They are commonly used as blog titles too, and journal entry titles in my personal journal too.

     After a while of collecting these lyrics, I found myself wanting to keep them all together, for reflecting and for picking through for said blog titles. I currently have over 22 pages in a notebook of sweet, snarky and silly lines that inspire me.

   Here are some of my favorites:
"I wish I was a fine wine, I wish I were a good drug"

"Don't breathe too deep, don't think all day"

"Saying 'I love you' has nothing to do with meaning it"

"Everybody's favorite girl doesn't fake it anymore"

"Better off, I sparkle on my own."

"The edge of your sword isn't sharp enough for me to bleed"

"This is me before I fall apart"

"You and your glance makes this romance too hot to handle"

"If I wasn't so happy, I wouldn't be so scared of dying"

"If I looked out a different window, would the snow still fall as beautiful?"

"We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real"

    Of course, the words hold only so much weight when they aren't backed by the musical orchestrations and vocal power used to convey them.  The following are two of my favorite groups, who's music are both getting me through a lot of rough spots these days and their lyrics fill the pages of that notebook.

# 7 SheDaisy

    I have been following this trio of sisters since their very first album in 1999. While on our Senior trip to Orlando, we discovered that they were playing in Disney World and my friend Aja and I went to see them perform. It was a tiny venue and there was only a small crowd of people there for the relatively unknown group at the time. Still, it was one of the best nights of my life. Krysten, the oldest sister, pens all of their songs and her sharp, witty take on life always makes me smile.

   Some of my favorites of their lyrics:

"Seductive highs, destructive lows"

"I've become accustomed to wearing nothing but pink nail polish on my left hand"

"So why are you scared of this villianous word 'love'?"

"Won't let you unnerve me, won't let you deserve me, even if I kiss the dirt, you're gonna see that I don't hurt"

"If true love really does exist, it would feel as pure as this"

"Sometimes I need a broken bone to remind me how to feel"

"I'm beautiful on an empty page."

"I'm good when I'm out of sight, best when I'm out of my mind"

"I am still on my second cup of pity me"

"I'm the green, green grass as far as your big brown eyes can see."

    I had the great fortune of seeing them again a few summers ago, when they filled in last minute at the Clark County fair. Sarah and I sat maybe ten rows back - perfect for snapping a few pictures of them as they performed some of my favorites.

#8 Sugarland

So they have totally swept the nation and charmed their way onto hundreds of radio stations; they totally deserve it. Sugarland's combination of infectious tunes and brilliant lyrics that hit the heart at just the right angle keep them on constant repeat on my iPod and in my car too. I am not going to hide the fact that more than just a tiny part of me looks up to lead singer Jennifer Nettles. She is just as charismatic as their music and her stage presence is incredible.

I have found many moments of strength over the years from their lyrics as well.

"Slow to trust, but quick to love. I push too hard and I give too much. I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it."

"We all live with the scars we choose"

"With some good red wine and my brand new shoes, gonna dance a blue streak around my living room. Take a chance on love and find what it means to be the girl who changed her mind and changed the world"

"Swinging stars from satillites"

"Wrap your fingers and hold on tight, I'll be right here beside you tonight"

"Pictures, dishes and socks; its our whole life down to one box"

Much like with Shedaisy, I have had the great fortune to see Sugarland perform live. This past summer, Kate and I went to see them out at Edgefield, and though it was insanely hot that night, it was an amazing night.

#9 Holly Williams

Last, but not least is Holly Williams, who coincidentally opened for Sugarland at that concert this past July. I didn't even know Holly would be there and I was greatly surprised to hear her as Kate and I nestled into a tiny corner of grass we found before the stage. Holly is the granddaughter of Hank Williams and while she has strong country roots, her music definitely has it's own feel. I often refer to my friend Aja as one of my music gurus, because she is always introducing me to artists (see Howie Day, Meiko, Graham Colton, Guster, etc) but for once, I was able to introduce her to an amazing artist in Holly.

There are a number of years between her first and second album, mostly because of serious car accident she and her sister were in a few years back. Sadly, I have not fallen as madly in love with her second album as I did the first, but I hold out that she will turn out a stronger third album in a year or two.

However, her way with words and her ability to paint a picture is brilliant:

"Where would you be if you had tried, if you had given all you could to the passion of your life?"

"It's a long way we've come just to simply exist like this"

"It scares me like my deepest confession"

"Black and pink and white, these are colors that remind me of the night we fell on your steps and wished for all our lives to be filled with such freedom"

"Devil unseen, please stop bothering me, I've got a broken man to repair"

"The victim of my youth, the solider of my dread"

I could easily go on and on, and if anyone is still reading at this point, I thank you. If you can stomach country music (because I know not everyone can) I encourage you to look into these artists. These are just the tips of their iceburgs and they are all worthy of a good listen. But if you aren't into the twang, just take a good long listen to the songs you love and perhaps jot down a few lines. They all say something about who we are and why we listen as we do.

Its the little things you've got to love

2010-02-05T23:54:00.000-08:00

Love list #3, 4 and 5

#3 Staying up late- I am a nightowl. I can easily stay up well past 3 am without really realizing it. Sure, I see the time but it generally doesn't register just how late it is until I am finally climbing into bed and calculating how few hours I have until I have to wake up again. Much like saving EVERYTHING, I inherited this from my mother, who she inherited from her mother. We were up until after midnight tonight doing Mom's hair (root touch-up and cut) and as I am going upstairs to "get ready for bed", I hear her get on the phone with Grandma. When unemployed, staying up into unGodly hours becomes a norm for me and a hard habit to break when I return to the land of them employed. If I could regularly function on 4 hours of sleep, I so would. But I am one that generally requires 6 if not 8 hours.

#4 Naps - Hated them when I was little. Love them now. Especially on the sofa, especially after 4pm (which is normally the deadline they say is when you should NEVER nap past or it will hinder your ability to fall asleep that same night) and especially with the television on. Not sure why the tv has to be on, but it does. However, I do hate when I wake up an hour or two later and realize that I have in fact slept away value hours of daylight.

#5 Texting - I am not one to use Text speak. In fact, I tend to use full sentences, proper punctuation and spelling. Mike and I shared 750 minutes of talking on our cell phone plan with unlimited texting. We never went over 400 minutes, but we'd have been screwed if we hadn't had that unlimited package. I used to dream of there some day being a way to share and convey thoughts and feelings in short bursts to friends and family. Just never thought it would be through a phone.

My Not-so-green thumb

2010-02-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

Love List:
#2 - Hens and Chicks

As hard as I have tried over the years, I really struggle to keep most plants alive. From bonsai trees to bamboo plants to even hydrangea, I have managed to nearly, if not completely, kill most plants put into my care for longer than a few weeks. The only plants that I have ever had success with are Hens and chicks.

Perhaps I should mention that these plants seem to do the best when they are almost completely left alone. Once rooted, you can water them about once every two weeks and they will do far better than if you preen over them. I should know; I have taken both approaches with them.

I can remember my mother growing them when I was little, as well as mothers of my friends. You plant one and within a few months, it's sprouting babies and then those babies are having babies and before you know it, you have pots spilling over the sides with these rosettes.

It saddens me that I have to greatly condense my collection, as I have spent the last five years growing and proudly showing interested friends my "babies". A number of my mother hens I received from my mother and my father is cringing at the idea that I will be bringing back more pots than I have taken from here in these past years. Sarah, who is also a fan of hens and chicks, will be taking several pots off of my hands, but I am still not all that sure what do with the rest of them.

This was my apartment garden of them back in 2005. It has nearly tripled in size now. I will be so sad to see so much of it go . . . But they are easy to grow and easy to find. Especially easy for me to love.

When somebody knows you well, there's no comfort like that

2010-02-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

This picture was shamefully stolen from Sarah of frecklesandfairytales.blogspot.com/ but since its me (and she's my best friend) I really don't think she'll mind. I can easily say that I am only making it through these first days of transition as smoothly as I am thanks to my incredible group of friends. From endless text messages to endearing emails and instant message chats, entirely too many drinks for a Wednesday evening and runaway trips on Sunday afternoons or unexpected support from people I figured had given up on me, I am surrounded by endless support. And I am entirely grateful and thankful.

Since I am now paying for a gym membership, I am trying to make the most of my freetime. Watching less tv, unless I am on an elliptical or treadmill or at least have weights in hand. Trying to read more (a co-worker's sons have lent me their Percy Jackson series and so far, I find them quite delightful!) and write more too. But I'm also trying to work on me more too. And that is not easy.

I told a dear friend Saturday night that my "first and main focus is to get my body, mind, heart and soul all into amazing shape this year". But let me tell you, finding ways to mute your inner critic and increase your personal view of your self-worth is not as easy as one might think. People who seem almost full of themselves I watch with awe now, because I don't know how to be that. I don't know how to not pick myself apart in the mirror.

In an issue of Redbook I was thumbing through a few weeks ago, it suggested you make lists of your life, other than "To Do" lists. Lists like 10 places you would like to go in your life. 15 Things you would like to try. The one that peaked my interest? 20 Things I Love About Myself.

So I tried to do it.

I could only list 17. Three slots sit open and empty. I keep waiting for something else to come to me.

I am mostly settled into my parent's home, which has been easy, but am still spending spare time back at my old house, packing up the last five years of my life, which has been very hard. More than once, I have broken down and sobbed (and for anyone who knows me, knows I don't often cry) and have even gone as far as to suggest to my mom (who took days off of work to help me pack) that we just burn the place down. She quickly dismissed it.

January was for letting go and mourning. February is for regearing and starting to rediscover what it means to be me, now. About to turn 29. About to be single again. March . . . well, I'll determine what March is for once I am a bit closer to it.

February is also for love. And while I may not be able to list 20 things I love about myself, I can come up with 28 people and things I love in my life.

Love list #1 Sarah

I'm starting with Sarah. Love, love, love her! I love her open heart and brilliant mind. She is extraordinarily talented, very ecclectic and entirely unique. Often attempted to be duplicated, but she is the original and those copycats pale in comparison. She knows my soul and hears what I am saying, even if the words never leave my lips. The energy surrounding her is intoxicating and it is no wonder why she is loved and leaned on by so many people. She is the kind of person you want to have in your world. I cannot imagine what my life would be like these days had I not ever met her.

Again, shamefully stolen from her. Hey, she has a MUCH better camera.

Pictures, dishes and socks . . .

2010-01-21T23:23:00.001-08:00

I should be packing right now. I am surrounded by piles - piles to keep, piles to store and piles to get rid of. I should be folding and placing and labeling and closing chapters of my life(such as the chapter of the lacy boy shorts that were never comfortable, yet somehow, I managed to own about twenty pairs of them) but instead, I am avoiding it all with great amounts of self-pity and procrastination.

He moves out tomorrow. He'll get up, go to work, I'll get up, go to work and when I get off and come home, all of his stuff will be gone and with it, him. No last hug or kiss or even goodbye. And knowing this, I cannot stomach the idea of sleeping in this house one night without him. So theoretically, tonight is also my last night in the house. Our house.

Little Earthquakes

2010-01-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

   I have been back and forth for the last week on whether or not I should even blog about the current status of my life. And because I haven't been able to decide, I couldn't seem to find words for anything else either. Instead of faking it, or denying it or avoiding it altogether, I have just kind of put the blogging on pause.

   Ugh.

   This last summer, I became reunited with a dear friend of mine from my sophomore year of high school. One afternoon, while we sat in a sushi restaurant in Portland, we tried our best to get caught up on the past 13 years of our lives that we'd missed out on. When it came time for me to ask him if he had any questions for me, he said, "No. I read your blog. I know everything I need to know."

Since then, I have been wondering where to draw the line. What to keep posting here and what I should leave for the pages of my paper journal and the ears and shoulders of my friends. In the past, I have felt from time to time that acquaintences knew a bit too much about me because of what I wrote. They spoke to me in a knowing fashion that I wasn't comfortable with, simply because I didn't realize they knew what they knew. Of course, anything that I have written about was something that I felt like sharing. Still, when you are standing face to face with someone who recalls the nasty posts you wrote when you were 23 and still bitter about being dumped by an old boyfriend and decide to take it out on him and his new wife, well . . . where is the delete button when you need it most?

   However, what I am going through right now definitely is shaping and defining maybe rapid changes coming in my life. I only see it as fair to explain here, (because I do intend to try to keep updating more regularly here. I promise!) why these changes are in fact coming.

    My husband and I are separating. Divorcing, actually. Though paperwork has not been drawn up yet, the furniture and (more importantly) the DVD collection have been verbally split and by the end of the month, we will be living under different roofs. In the past week and a half, most of our conversations have been through text messages and the most time we have spent in person, in the same room together would be that one evening we were able to discuss the furniture and DVDs.

    It is a decision that I have been wrestling with for months and an issue that we have been both working on together and separately since the beginning of the fall. While I will provide him and myself with a bit of privacy as to the nature of the demise of our marriage, I will say that things just did not progress in the linear and positive manner that I had hoped it would for us when we took our vows two and a half years ago. Some of the fault is his and some of the fault is mine. I'd like to leave it at that.

    I have struggled through many ideas and feelings that held me captive for a long time. Guilt, for one. Guilt that I am unable to live up to those vows I took. Guilt that my parents paid as much as they did for our wedding. Foolishness, for another. I am a fixer, a mender. I wanted to fix him in ways that he didn't feel he needed to be fixed or wanted to be fixed. Foolish for not noticing things that were or were not happening around me. Fear as well. Fear for jumping back into singlehood, trying to make it in this world alone again (though my amazing circle of friends has not let me feel alone for even a second). Fear that I am ruining the only chance of love or happiness that I have in life. But I haven't been truly happy in a long time.

    The phrase "Fool or Failure" has been ringing in my head since August. A fool if I stay and a failure if I leave. Which is worse? I still haven't completely figured that one out, but I am hoping I can swallow failure and turn it into some other form of success later in life.

   So 2010 has begun as a year of massive and rapid change for me. But I knew that the moment I opened my eyes on January 1st, greeted by Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" on my 7am alarm clock. I am currently finding much comfort from my parents, Emily, Sarah, Kate, the girls at my salon and many other friends and solace in Sugarland, SheDaisy, Lady Antebellum, Crystal Light, sleeping and hour long workouts on the elliptical. I am hoping that come August of this year, I will have transformed my body, my personal outlook on myself and my life and the direction this adulthood is taking me in.

   In some ways, it is a tragedy. And in others, a rebirth, for both of us (though I know right now, that is the last thing he sees it as). But if nothing else, I just hope someday, we'll both be able to look back and smile, even if just faintly, recalling the good times. They are what I'd want us to remember most.

Friday : Brown

2009-12-18T23:29:00.000-08:00

Brown proved to be a very easy color for me to find. I had to pull myself back from photographing the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom at work, it was so prevalent! Here are a few of my favorites:

Sonia Kashuk Makeup brushes. Had them 8 years now and they are still wonderful

Clean towels at work

Coffee Bean demi-permanent hair color.

Courtknee's chopped off locks.

You can see the whole set (including more brown) here

What's my motivation???

2009-12-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

I suck at low intensity workouts. Well, I mean, it's not official, but I tried to do a fat burning low intensity workout today on the elliptical at the gym and failed to keep my heartrate at the projected rate of 125 bpm. Nope, mine had to be like 155 - 167 the whole time. Ehhh. But I definitely did sweat and it was much easier to stick with it for a longer amount of time. So if I get up early enough tomorrow, I'll head back on over and try the low intensity workout again before my shift at work.

While shopping yesterday, I tried on some clothes for gifts for me. You know how it is. I've kind of reached the age where there really are no surprises anymore at Christmas and I am okay with that. I would rather get things that I am eyeing than hope I get something worth the same amount that I can return later and get. While trying on these various items, I had to keep in mind that while they may not fit right now, they will most definitely be fitting sooner or later. The last time I lost a decent amount of weight, I got rid of all of my clothes that were size 14, refusing to ever let myself get that big again. I have one option - lose the weight.

So I use that as motivation, along with the number of other clothing items I have purchased and never worn yet. They are rewards for reaching certain sizes. Rewards for becoming the person on the outside that I feel I should be. That I have always felt I should be. I see pictures from the past that are realistic in how I want to look again and yes, there is a celebrity or two who's shape I wouldn't mind looking more like. Of course, my boobs would probably stay a lot bigger. But these are what gets me to the gym and keeps me from eating things that I will regret later.

Also, there is the fact that I have at least one, if not two weddings I will be attending next year, one of which I am pretty sure I will be in. And even though it won't be my big day, I don't want to feel like a poor choice for a bridesmaid in any fashion.

Mostly though, my motivation is the simple fact that I want to finally get myself into the healthy habits I should have embrace YEARS ago, in hopes that I won't be fighting my weight as I have in the past. That Mike and I will both take our health and appearances and teach our (future) children to be active and healthy and not fall into the ruts that we have.

Back in July, after we moved into the house, I swore off all fast food for a month. Not sure if I succeeded or not. But I decided to do the same for December, and as of today, the 17th, I have not consumed one french fry or chicken nugget and the only "burger" I had was a gardenburger at McMenamins. I know, it's bragging, but I am pretty proud. Even when I was doing the Atkins' diet, I never could give up french fries.

Thursday : Blue

2009-12-17T23:58:00.000-08:00

I had quite a bit of luck with blue today.

Two knitting projects . . . my fingerless gloves and a scarf I am working on.

I have a lot of holiday penguin stuff. A LOT.

He needs a nickname. Any suggestions?

My cell phone. It only came in blue. I have a love/hate relationship with it.

My reward stars for my pathetic weightloss chart. I get a star each day I get my butt to the gym.

One of my favorite magnets.

Paper towels

Aluminum knitting needles.

I noted that there was no purple day in Color Week, which makes me sad, since it's my favorite color. So I am adding a purple day to the end of the week. I welcome you all to join me.

Wednesday : Pink

2009-12-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit late getting these posted, but yesterday's shopping trip was exhausting. But here is some pink.

Sweet N' Low packets at Chili's

Christmas Cactus in bloom

My pink wallet

Bleach in a bottle. I should label it bleach, just in case.

My first pair of knitting needles ever. I have switched to bamboo now.

Downey softener.

A Very Long Day (revisited)

2009-12-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow marks the return of my blowout shopping day with Mom. We start early and go go go until we've nearly crossed everything off our lists. We weren't able to do it last year, due to the weather, but two years ago, we had a long, eventful day. I wrote this the following day. I am hoping that tomorrow will be as successful and just as memorable.

I took the day off with Mom yesterday and we went shopping for our Christmas gifts. This is a pretty accurate reinactment of the day.

1:00 am - I decide that it is probably time to turn off the "Golden Girls" rerun and go to sleep.

6:16 am - alarm goes off as usual and I hit snooze, as usual

6:45 am - finally decide that maybe I should get up and get ready.

6:50 am - Turn on curling iron and proceed to smooth out my still frizzy hair from last night's blow out.

7:03 am - Check the parking lot situation and decide to move my car into one of the empty ones instead of making Mike wake up and switch spots with me.

7:15 am - begin putting on make-up noting that I am spending more time on my appearance than I ever do on a work day

7:33 am - Mom calls to tell me she is on her way

7:41 am - Mom picks me up and hands me a bag of misc items

7:50 am - we are stuck in the same traffic I am always stuck in. For some reason, we thought we'd just zip down to the mall without having to deal with traffic when we first planned this out.

8:15 am - we debate where on 82nd is there a Walmart. I haven't been there much since breaking it off with Jarad, so I don't quite remember things as I used to.

8:25 am - Mom proves to be correct in the location of a Walmart and promptly makes an illegal Left Hand turn into the parking lot

8:40 am - I debate whether or not to get Jasmine a High School Musical Karaoke game that is Playstation 2 compatible. I can imagine my brother-in-law cringing every time he comes home to play and his 6 year old is belting out some wobbly rendition of some song. I can also imagine her getting really good and becoming a professional singer and thanking me, Aunt Betsy for helping her discover her talent all those years ago . . .

8:42 am - I decide that I like having Darrick like me and choose not to buy the game.

8:50 am - I lug a heavy gift out to the car for my mom and keep telling myself that its like working out. Sort of.

8:55 am - We pull into Michael's for supplies for crafts we are working on. Mom goes to hunt for a cookie press and I head to the scrapbook region. I spend way too much time and thought on paper.

9:25 am - We park at Clackamas Towne Center and embark on part one of dealing with a huge Oregon Mall a week before Christmas

10:06 am - I call Mike to make sure he is awake. He doesn't answer.

10:08 am - He calls back, disoriented but still asking how the day is going.

10:15 am - Mom complains about the lack of colors in cufflink dress shirts, because last year, that's how they all came.

10:16 am - I ask Mom if my brother even has cuff links. She doesn't recall. But he had it on his list.

10:30 am - I pay for a fantastic Christmas gift for Mike at a steal of a price. It is already deemed the best deal of the day.

10:31 am - feet are already beginning to hurt and burn from the friction of my crappy socks. I decide I need to buy new socks.

10:45 am - We are on a mission to find three cds - two of which are by artists I have never heard of. None of the stores we stop in have them, but I have time to drool over an Otis Redding collection I really, really want.

11:00 am - I am reminded, yet again, why I hate JC Penny's so much. Stupid Customer Service check out centers. Also, their holiday socks are way too expensive. Also, all their flannel shirts come in ugly colors and only size XL.

11:11 am - I ask a woman in the JC Penny's Sephora if they carry Kiehl's products. I have to pronounce the name three times for her to understand me and then decide that if she doesn't know what I am saying, they obviously don't.

11:25 am - we leave the mall and decide to go lunch.

11:40 am - Our first selection for lunch is not opened for lunchtime.

11:55 am - we are sitting in a booth at Applebee's, debating whether to get a Weight Watcher's meal, or what we really want. Guess what wins?

12:03 pm - call Shonda to find out who we drew for the family gift exchange. Oddly enough, it's the persons I suspected we'd draw.

12:04 pm - Mike text messages me to tell me the name of the people we drew for said gift exchange.

12:09 pm - I devour my turkey sandwich (mmmm chutney . . .)

12:25 pm - we head to Linens and Things and I hope they may have holiday socks.

12:40 pm - They don't.

1:00 pm - We decide to go to Target and Old Navy before heading back to the mall.

1:10 pm - I am immediately drawn to a green cashmere sweater at Old Navy. I don't own cashmere

1:11 pm - I try to point out clothes that I can wear to work to my mom for ideas. I have a tendency to only ever want to dress in velour and comfy clothes. Slacks don't come in velour.

1:20 pm - Mom and I split in the store as I look for gifts for the men in my life (husband, father, brother) and she buys gifts for me, I assume. I search more for socks. They have none that will work.

1:30 pm - I get into line once my mom is done paying, so I won't accidentally see what she is getting. I manage to get in line between two middle aged strangers complaining to each other about the annoying loud music that Old Navy is playing and a young mom with her four and 18 month old children. I can't decide who is more entertaining.

1:40 pm - I pay and get out of line only to realize I was over charged. The line is not even longer than it was when I first got in it.

1:45 pm - I cut in line and get my 9.50 back.

1:49 pm - We move to Target. In the parking lot, I thank the girl who pulled through to the available parking spot in front of mine, so that I too could park. She looks at me like I am thanking her for wearing her hair in a ponytail.

2:00 pm - We wait for the only kid in electronics to help us. I feel badly for him but am ticked that the store doesn't give him more help.

2:02 pm - Waiting for the kid, I watch this woman and her daughter drag him around the department looking for some thing she'd called ahead and asked they hold for her. Mother and daughter are in matching velour jumpsuit and I wonder why Mom and I didn't think to do the same thing.

2:20 pm - Mom ditches our cart after I complain the tenth time about it.

2:23 pm - remembering all we are going to need to get, I go back and get our cart from the aisle we left it in.

2:27 pm - Target does not have any of those cds we are looking for either.

2:35 pm - Mike asks that I pick up coffee, alluding to a comment I'd made the night before about him calling me to pick up coffee around 2 pm on my shopping day.

2:40 pm - Target has cute, decently priced holiday socks! And comfy shoe inserts for good measure.

2:55 pm - we check out and head to the car

3:10 pm - socks and shoes repaired, I am feeling so much better

3:15 pm - We embark on part two of dealing with a huge Oregon Mall a week before Christmas

3:20 pm - Distracted on a tangent, we park at Barnes and Noble so I can show Mom the amazing book we bought for Jasen and Kristi's new daughter we visited the night before.

3:30 pm - We head to the Macy's home store for a couple ideas for gifts. I try to discretely shop for something, but Mom doesn't get the hint when she asks "Where are you?" and I answer "Hiding from you." She is looking, again, for a cookie press. You know, in case the one she bought at Michael's doesn't work.

3:30 pm - Mom drags me to Christopher and Banks and then asks my opinion on various different clothing articles. She disagrees with every one of them.

3:40 pm - My feet start aching again and the only chair in the store is occupied by some old guy. I finally opt to sit on the floor.

3:45 pm - old guy leaves the store with his wife and I take the chair before another old guy who is wandering the store with his wife spies it.

3:50 pm - I see a cute knitted handbag and try it on. It's on sale for $16.71

3:57 pm - As Mom checks out, I announce that I am thirsty and needing water.

4:05 pm - While trying to decide where to get something to drink, I am accosted by a kiosk salesperson. She asks if my hair is naturally curly. When she motions over to her flat irons, I promptly cut her off, assuring her that I do have a very good flat iron and that it is the moisture in the air making my hair look like this. (Also, flat iron is living in my closet now. Do you know how long it would take to iron my entire head??)

4:10 pm - We go to Nordstrom's, use their lounge and then go to their cafe for a cookie and two glasses of water. I down three glasses before my mom gets halfway through her first glass.

4:30 pm - We wander through jewelry and handbags before deciding to go look at the shoes. I have been eyeing a pair of fake UGGs for a couple of months now.

4:40 pm - We are still waiting for one of the six shoe department employees to come help us. I have shoved my foot into a shoe too small in size, just for emphasis. It doesn't feel good.

4:43 pm - Mom goes and asks if anyone can help us. They promptly and apologetically send a guy over.

4:43 pm - I show the salesman the shoes and tell him the size I want to try them on in. He goes to the back and I tell my mom "Watch. I asked for one pair of shoes, he'll come back with at least three. The ones I wanted, the same in another color and a third pair that are similar but made by someone else."

4:45 pm - Sales guy comes back with four pairs of shoes.

4:47 pm - After trying the shoes on in the right size and confirming they are comfy, the sales guy takes off for the cash register before I can indicate to him that I was trying them on so my mom would know what size to get them in, if she decided to buy them.

4:50 pm - Mom buys them and I ask if she plans to wrap them anyway. I already know the answer.

5:00 pm - We decide that we should split up for a bit and determine where and what time to meet back up.

5:03 pm - I am accosted by my second kiosk person and I ignore him completely.

5:08 pm - I walk around Hallmark, looking for something specific. I am asked several times if I need help but decline. What I am searching for should not be hard to find.

5:10 pm - I cannot find what I was looking for and decide to leave. Three stores down the walkway, I decide I should buy Christmas cards for my family while I am shopping. One less trip later. I turn around and return to Hallmark.

5:20 pm - After pouring over cards, everyone I like is $4.99 and that is entirely too expensive for cards. I attempt for find cheaper ones that are as meaningful.

5:24 pm - I realize that Hallmark makes Christmas cards for Mother and Husband but not for Dad and Wife. What kind of crap is that?

5:26 pm - After deciding on cards, I spot the item I had originally gone into the store for.

5:28 pm - Pay too much for cards. Still. And I forget to ask for the seal stickers.

5:29 pm - I realize that I still have 15 minutes before meeting Mom and no where else I need to go. I must wander, with sore feet.

5:35 pm - I walk into Forever Slutty 21 because Kate can find cute things in there. Maybe I can too.

5:38 pm - I can't and leave the store.

5:39 pm - I am accosted by the THIRD kiosk salesman of the day. (I am itching to go off on him, explaining to him that I go to the stores I am interested in shopping at. I don't want the store to come to me. I don't need the lotion or scented muscle relaxing microwave heated beanbag or the nail buffing kit he may have to sell me. But I don't.) I keep walking and ignore him even when he says in an impatient tone "Excuse me!"

5:40 pm - I sit down on a bench near our agreed meeting place and watch the mother and son on the bench next to me. Son is maybe 2, wearing a backpack that looks like a dog riding on the boy's back. It's cute.

5:42 pm - Mom and son's family join them and they all go into Bath and Body Works.

5:43 pm - Dad and son return to the bench and I notice cute doggy backpack also has a leash. For the child.

5:45 pm - Hot guy has walked past my bench three times now. He's not my type, but he is easy on the eyes.

5:50 pm - Mom is a no show and I am getting queasy from the swaying of the upper level land bridge I am sitting on.

5:52 pm - A nap sounds wonderful.

5:53 pm - I spy Mom coming out of the store that was our meeting spot. She didn't see me when she went in and looked for a cookie press. They didn't have one.

5:57 pm - Mom is still on a mission to find a present for her assistant. She informs me she is taking her assistant to lunch tomorrow and has to have a present for her then.

6:05 pm - We wander into Coach because . . . well, why not?

6:10 pm - I realize the only thing I have to wear to a lunch with my friends from high school on Saturday is the same color as what I wore last year and I cannot have that. I attempt to find something in the Juniors department of Macy's.

6:15 pm - Designated boobs holes suck.

6:20 pm - Cheeky Rose the salesgirl asks if I have a Macy's card, which I do. But I want to pay in cash. She keeps pestering me until I put the sweater on my Macy's card and then I immediately pay it off my card. This is why I loathe retail.

6:25 pm - We hit the jewelry department of Macy's looking for a gift. We finally agrees on something.

6:40 P car.< the for head and leave We - pm>

6:50 pm - We realize we are hungry and should eat dinner.

7:00 pm - I am attempting to get into the parking lot of the place we decide to eat. On 82nd, that is not easy.

7:10 pm - We finally park.

7:30 pm - We decide to go to two more stores - another Target for a few items we couldn't find at the first Target (and the coffee I'd forgotten to get Mike) and the Post Office near the airport.

7:40 pm - This Target has a present for Mike I have been looking for, for weeks. I also almost forget the coffee, again.

8:03 pm - We arrive at the Post Office and notice the parking lot is full and the line is nearly out the door. We decide to scrap it and Mom promises to go the following day and get me the stamps I need for the rest of my Christmas cards.

8:25 pm - Mom drops me off at home. I am ready to pass out. But I am nearly done with my shopping and that is a very good feeling.

Tuesday : Green

2009-12-15T22:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a last minute, "Oh crap! I need yellow" collection. Today, I had all day to look for green things around the salon and then at home. I tried to stay away from the Christmas stuff since green is way too much of a given there.

Lindsey's festive mirror

American Crew Forming Cream (great for faux hawks)

Christmas Cactus baby from my mother's plant (I have another that is blooming, but I show it on the pink day)

The lone green pen (but it writes in black!)

Courtknee's green green eyes

And finally Tiny Tim . . . Mike accidentally broke his legs off a few years ago. I glued them back on with super glue.

Monday: Yellow

2009-12-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

I try my best with my less than awesome Panasonic Point and Shoot camera, but it definitely does not capture things as I would hope a better camera would. However, I am playing along with the Color Week and here is today's first contribution:

Nothing tastes as good as skinny will feel

2009-12-11T22:45:00.000-08:00

    As much as I love food, I hate grocery shopping. Mostly because I am trapped in a building filled with other people, who like me, are on their own missions to collect their own choices of sustenance and entirely oblivious to everyone else around them. Namely, me. Then, there is also the facts that despite my shopping at Winco, I still find I spend at least $40 a week on groceries and every week, I find that I have to go back. Again.

    Mike seems to think because I enjoy clothes shopping and book shopping and craft store shopping, I must enjoy grocery shopping too. Such a man.

    My grandmother, in fact, loves grocery shopping. We can drop her off and swing back by three hours later and she is only then finishing up, having just enjoyed the last 180 minutes of her life as much as I would enjoy an extended version of any movie with Ryan Reynolds and his shirtless abs. If I had the money to, I would pay her to do my grocery shopping for me.

    So yesterday (Thursday) was my day off and naturally, my day to do the dirty deed. I was rounding the last corner of the store on my typical route to the checkout stand and then freedom when I passed the dreaded Little Debbie endcap. With her holiday cakes shaped like Christmas trees and chocolate Christmas trees. Only $1.48 a box! Tasty! Yummy! Disaster waiting to happen!

    See, I know how this all works. I have been faithfully going to the gym for the past month, been working out, doing both weights and cardio and stretching as my personal trainer/husband tells me to and yet, I have not seen the scale move much. I've been maintaining this weight because despite my best efforts at the gym, I have been eating whatever I wanted outside of it. And like anyone who is trying to lose weight, 70% of weight loss is diet.

    Slowly cruising past that end cap, trying my best not to imagine what those Little Debbie cakes tasted like, I remembered Kate Moss's infamous admission that her life motto is "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". Granted, I don't want to look like Kate Moss. I like my curves. But I hate the ridiculous things I go through now in an attempt to feel okay with how I look whenever I am going out. I hate how I look in most of my clothes and I especially am miserable with the fact that I have a number of items in my closet that still have tags on them, because I have sworn to myself that I will not wear them, not even once, until I am 10 (20, 30, 40) pounds ligther than I currently am. So I repeated that to myself as I continued towards check out.

     I continued to repeat that mantra as I drove home, made myself lunch and did my best to be satisfied with the salad I had, sans a dessert of Little Debbie.

    Think those treats would be as tempting if they were by a company called "Big Debbie"?

    It is comforting to go to work and know that I am not the only one who is trying to slim their figure and look better for the coming year. Three of my co-workers are currently on week one of the HCG diet (which involves consuming only 500 calories a day and injecting yourself daily with HCG, which comes from pregnant women's urine) and while watching them shed pounds is envy-invoking, I know that I would be a raging bitch if I only ate 500 calories a day. I'll stick to my WW and my points. But there are fewer snacks laying around the back room and more healthy choices to be had.

   We all want to feel skinny. Its time to take the right steps towards being so.

WWBHMMD?

2009-12-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

Everytime I get climb onto the elliptical (which is becoming more and more frequent as I have grown bored of the treadmill) I hit a wall at some point. A moment when I just want to give up. A moment when I start to barter with myself, telling myself if I can make to a certain time or the end of the current song, then I'll quit. Usually by the time I reach that goal, I keep pushing on to a new goal. Its all about baby steps.

But then there are the walls that seem bigger, thicker and far more difficult to climb up. And that is when WWBHMMD goes through my head. What would Bob Harper (from the Biggest Loser) make me do? What would he say at my pathetic time, speed, lack of flexibility?

I am notorious for being one of those people who always is eating while watching TBL. Why? Why do we all sit and eat while we watch people achieving their weightloss goals on tv? I can't say, but I know I am not alone. I just take comfort in the fact that the worst thing I ate tonight was hummus.

I have decided my goal is to reach my personal ideal body size, weight, shape and toning by my 30th birthday. April 24, 2011, I will be exactly what I want to look like. I plan on a Dirty Thirty trip to Vegas or somewhere equally as sinful and delicious and I will look smoking hot while there.

Its a long road, but I have allotted myself enough time to achieve it in a reasonable amount of time.

The little things

2009-09-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

Things are pretty rough and bumpy right now in my world, so any little laugh is definitely appreciated. This morning before my first client arrived at the salon, I was going to get a seldom enjoyed caramel macchiato at the Starbucks inside the Fred Meyer's. On my way, I passed a boy about seven or eight years old, walking in front of an elderly woman. He caught my eye specifically because he was barefoot.

Just as I was passing them, I heard him say to her "Grandma, who do you think would win in a fight? My dad or a coyote?"

"What?" She didn't even catch my eye when we passed, but I had to laugh. The best laugh I've had all day.

Typical conversations in our house

2009-07-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Do you love me?"

Mike eyes my chest. "Parts of you, yes."

Ahhh . . . . true love.

Making this home

2009-07-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

In some ways, this house already feels like home. Because when I picture going home at night, it's here that I picture. And when I feel tired in the mornings and wish that I could crawl back into bed, its our ridiculously huge bedroom that I long for. Slowly, subtly I am making the place ours. I have color swatches tacted to the walls as I attempt to determine which red, green, taupe I like where. I've purchased little bins and trays in an attempt to make myself be more organized ala Dooce. I keep a running list in my head of the rooms, drawers, and shelves that I should be organizing instead of watching tv or playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.

But I am not going to lie. I kind of keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. A similar (but definitely not at all similar) situation about six years ago turned my world on it's ear and it all started/ended with moving into a new house. While the only familiar player in this sequel is me, I cannot help but notice the occasional ringing in my left ear of déjà vu. Yet Mike is not him and I am not who I was six years ago and this marriage is nothing like that relationship was.

Our second anniversary is quickly approaching and I can look back and say that year two was far more difficult than year one. Year one was a breeze in comparison. While we look around us and see numerous friends' marriages falling apart, we hold each other a little tighter, try to listen a little bit better and speak a little more clearly. I don't want to be a statistic. Or maybe I do; just one of the ones who made it through successfully.

I know without a doubt that this man loves me more than anyone else ever has, aside from my family. I can feel it in every touch and taste it in each kiss. I know that as long as I am willing to keep on keeping on, so will he. He has watched both of his parents marry, divorce, remarry and divorce again. He knew he didn't want that. I see my parents, with their 30th wedding anniversary a week away and know that they are something to aspire to.

Marriages like that are more than just a contract on paper.

Marriages like that are a foundation and walls and fabrics and pictures and everything that makes a house a home. No amount of planting or painting or organizing is going to make this home, because it already is.

What a difference five years makes

2009-06-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

May 2004

June 2009

One of my oldest friends, Aja and I, showing that even we women get better with age. I was going through a phase back in the photo from 2004 where I didn't smile with my mouth open because I thought it made my face look fatter. Haha. . . I should have just realized it was my fat making me look fatter.

Inevitable

2009-06-24T23:36:00.001-07:00

The packing/moving is pretty damn stagnant as we wait on all that paperwork and three day waiting period "required by law". We have a majority of our household in boxes, scattered (or rather, tightly packed into corners) as we attempt to survive in these albeit even smaller quarters now. I don't even want to mention the newest day that we are "supposed" to have the keys, because any time I say it out loud, its as if I jinx the damn thing and it gets bumped back. Again.

All I know is that we have to be out of our apartment on June 30th. It has to be spick and span clean when we leave. And I just completed day 1 of an eight day work stretch. I am already exhausted. My only saving grace is the fact that I by sheer, dumb luck have next weekend off. The salon is closed for the 4th of July and I have the 5th off anyway.

In all truth, the entire house has come together in the finding, bidding and purchasing in a relatively short period of time. Its been less than a month since it even came into the picture, so while I bitch about how long this is taking and how slow things are moving, I know that I am fortunate. It is looking like we will not have to move into my parent's garage for even one night.

(knock on wood)

Death, divorce and moving house are said to be the three most stressful situations in life. I don't know how much more my fingernails can take!

Where to even begin

2009-06-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

The upcoming weekend is a big one because not only is it Father's day, but also, it is my mother's birthday. And while last year, my dad and I successfully pulled off a wonderful surprise party for my mother (complete with out of town guests), this year feels like it should be even bigger for us. Because this house we're moving into - my parents are buying for us.

It was kindly brought to my attention that I may be making it seem like Mike and I are purchasing the house ourselves and God, I wish we were in the financial situation where we could be buying a house right now. But the economy is shit (didn't know you???) and we are no closer to buying a house than I was ten years ago. Haha. Sad but true. However, my parents are the kind of people who have the foresight to see what kind of an investment another rental house would be for them (they own several all ready) and having their daughter living there will increase the value in the long run too. Because I am itching for a house of my own and by the time we leave, it will be even in better condition than when we move in. Light fixture improvements, color . . . etc.

So I have no idea what to do for either of them on their respective holidays, but I do (finally) have a couple of days coming up beforehand and will find something then (hopefully).

Mom and I have been looking for some great upholstery fabric to recover the dining room table chairs with. The table is in great condition, as are the seats, but the current fabric has to go. It's pretty, but so not my style. This, however, is:

You're thoughts?

Also, been wondering what color to do my scrap/sew/write/knit/office room in. I want something inspiring . . . probably something purple. I cannot help but love things in purple.

Settling down . . .

2009-06-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

Our hallway is littered with empty boxes. You have to nearly brush the wall with your shoulder to get by on your way to our bedroom. Right now, in the living room, three feet before me and between myself and the television sits four packed boxes and another three, also waiting to be filled. I've already taken three massive bags of clothing to Goodwill, though I suspect there will be another trip or two or four before this venture is complete.

Mike dropped off an early lease termination letter and a money order to the office today. We have till June 30th to pack, clean and vacate our first apartment as a married couple. The apartment I unpacked my wedding china in, filled my drinkware into, got my first dining room table for.

We are moving into a house. A home. With a backyard and a door bell and air conditioning. Two car garage! Ice maker! No neighbors living above me, below me or hogging all the open parking in front of us! The excitement is bubbling, but the dread of moving, YET AGAIN, is quelling that excitement at the moment. It is, to say the least, overwhelming.

I have never made it a secret that I am third generation packrat. A horrible, stifling habit that I am really wanting to break, if possible. I managed to only get my bedroom closet cleaned out and packed yesterday, but that would be because I also was going through everything, creating two piles. One to keep and one to donate. My policy has been to have split second decisions on everything. Keep or get rid of. If I have hesitated, clearly that is nod in the "get rid of" pile. I am hoping that it all goes smoothly in the downsizing of the posessions as we upgrade our living space.

Ideally, we'd be able to paint and ease on into the new house, come back to the apartment and clean it before the end of the month. This of course, would be in a perfect world, when I don't have to work. So instead, I'll be making the most of my time off of work (you know, in the mornings, evenings and days off) to accomplish as much as I can. The painting will have to wait until after we are moved in.

But here we are. About to take this step. I knew this year would be magical.

So here is the front, obviously. Not sure how long we'll keep that house color. We are having the siding redone on the sides and back of the house and it may be enough to warrant a complete color change. If not, I'll at least paint the front door.

The living room, entry and a peek into the mud room. The mud room leads into the garage.

The kitchen . . . ahh the kitchen. Bright, open and with an island. I'm thinking red for the walls, as long as it doesn't make the formica look too pink. Yes, formica. Yuck. But that can be changed. The fridge, gas range, dishwasher and stools all come with the house.

One of the bedrooms . . . most likely to become the guest room/office/my craft room.

The other bedroom, which will probably become Mike's "Mancave". Sigh. Yes. I married a dork.

Our bedroom, which is about the size of my dormroom in college. And while two people will again be sharing the space, it is in somewhat different circumstances. Now, we'll be able to have our dressers in the same room with us. Also . . . there's a walk in closet. Walk. Inside. Closet.

Our sweet little backyard. I'll hope to extend the patio by next summer, since we really hope to have plenty of bbqs and get togethers for all our friends.

I cannot wait.

Week 2 (That week that would not end)

2009-06-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to announce that I was able to step up my game for Week 2, losing 4.8 lbs this week. But it definitely was not without sacrifice. A seven day in a row work week left me stressed and stress at work led to much more purposeful workouts at the gym. Remember, I am doing the 100 day workout challenge and am now 22 days down. It takes 21 days to form a habit, so I would say that habit is good and formed by now.

So a total of 8.4 lbs down. Only two more lbs until I am in my Lifetime WW range, which means once I am in that range, I no longer have to pay (yay! yay! yay!). So my goal for next week is another week of loss somewhere between W1 and W2 to secure that I am free from here on out.

How are you doing, my fellow dieters??

Working hard to get my fill

2009-05-30T00:47:00.000-07:00

If you had told me a month ago what a rollercoaster May was going to be, I wouldn't have believed you. The ups, the downs, the foreshadowing and the full out surprises that have occured. It will be a month to remember, for sure.

Big changes have started to roller in a forward motion, both in my personal and professional life. All are scary and exciting at the same time. I have an idea of what the end of June will look like, but who knows. I never would have pictured May shaping up as it has.

Things I have learned in May:

-the importance of balance.

-people can take steps in the right direction, but are just as capable of backtracking too.

-going for what you want is what is most important. Opinions be damned.

-there is no such thing as bad publicity.

-my wishes are magical.

-All you need in life are some great friends and supportive family. Great family and supportive friends are awesome too.

-People will surprise you. Both in positive and negative ways.

-Playing neutral occasionally really is the way to go.

-Never announce you have a secret if you are woman. Everyone assumes you are pregnant. Even when you aren't.

-I have the greatest parents EVER. Hands down.

Now I just need to get over this cold and stop sounding like a 60 year old chain smoker.

Week by Week

2009-05-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

When you start WW for the first time, or start back after a period of time of being entirely off the diet, you tend to have a couple of really good weeks of loss. Say the first week you come and sign up is "Week 0". You weigh in for your starting weight and go from there. Last week was my "Week 0". Today was my weigh in for "Week 1".

The first time I did WW in 2005, my W1 weigh in was -4 pounds. I lost 4 pounds in that first week, without exercise or even a scale in my apartment to keep me on task. My W2 weigh in in 2005 was -5 pounds. I lost 9 lbs in two weeks. Healthily. Smartly. Easily. I have restarted WW probably two or three times since 2005 and have NEVER had that impressive of a W1 and W2 loss.

Tonight, I thought I might be down 2 lbs, just because I have been working out daily. In conjunction with WW, I am still doing the 100 days of workouts and I know that has to be turning some of my flab a bit more muscular, right? So though I knew my 2 lbs would not be as inspiring and impressive as 4 or 5 or 6 lbs was in 2005, it was a step in the right direction. As long as every step I take is in that direction, I can live with the results.

So weighing in 3.6 lbs lighter tonight was a delightful surprise. Mom's loss was bigger and when asked during the meeting what she did right this week, she responded "Everything." I love how confident she is. But truly, she did do everything right. Worked out, tracked every bite she took all week and drank all her water. When we met for soup and salad at Applebee's yesterday, she opted for soda instead of water (even though WW now considers soda as hydrating as water). She was better than I was. So I need to step it up for a more lucrative W2 weigh in.

Fifteen days done in the 100 day challenge. It feels good to finish the workout. It feels good to push myself a little further, a little harder, a little longer. It feels good to put a foil star on the calendar for the day once I have finished it.

I like feeling good.

Checking in

2009-05-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, an entire bag of JollyTime 94% fat free kettle corn popcorn is 2 points. 2!!!

On the other hand, eight large marshmallows are 4 points.

It's all about priorities, folks. Wants, desires, priorities and goals. Rewards, too.

Mom and I rejoined Weight Watchers this week. Started new books and weighed in for our beginning weights and everything. I have completed 10 days of my 100 day workout challenge and though I haven't really been able to see/feel/tell much of a change myself, but bias and non-bias persons alike have mentioned noticing a change. Perhaps it will take a few more weeks for me to see it myself.

How are you all doing? Weight losses? Successes?

P.S. Still totally working on the novel and will be posting a few more chapters soon. Life kind of got in the way there for a few weeks, but I'm back and it will be again soon too.

Portrait of the Recession

2009-05-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

I just submitted this piece to Rebecca Woolf of GirlsGoneChild for her recession blog Portraits of an Economy:

Sunday, May third, was shaping up to be a typical workday for me and my co-workers at the salon I work at. We'd been steady throughout the day, but as the foot traffic tapered off, my co-workers went home. By 4:30 pm, it was just myself, our receptionist Dede and my last client of the day. Thirty minutes before closing, Dede, the receptionist, began to count the cash from the till for the day when the door opened and she looked up to greet the incoming customer.

He wasn't a customer. He was a man with the only intention of robbing our salon. Though he spoke quietly, he threatened to shoot us all if she didn't obey him and demanded that she give him the deposit for the day and all the cash we had on hand. Disoriented, scared and confused, Dede quickly put all the cash lying in front of her into a bank bag and handed it over to him.

"I normally wouldn't do this," he said as she gathered up the money. "but I have a sick child at home."

He left as quickly and quietly as he'd come in, getting away with four hundred dollars. Dede slipped behind the wall that separated my station from the lobby, her eyes wide and her face pale and panicked. "We were just robbed."

Who robs a hair salon? Who would think to do that? It just speaks volumes to me of how desperate people are becoming. My own husband has been unemployed for six months and we are feeling the crunch from that every single day. But it wasn't until now that I truly felt the sting of it all.

One step at a time

2009-04-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

You know what isn't a grand idea? Attempting to buckle down on a diet/workout plan less than two weeks before your birthday. It never works, because your birthday comes rolling in and friends make you cupcakes and buy you alcohol and bring hoards of delicious munchies to a party where all you want is to munch and drink and eat cupcakes.

When I started Weight Watchers for the first time, it was the Monday after my birthday. All the cake and treats were gone and it was time to set aside foolish notions like the idea that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want in whatever size portions I want them in. No one should eat that way and I continually have to reteach myself that.

I had been doing fairly well in the food department leading up to last weekend, so I just need to get the last of the crap out of the house and buckle down again. Gonna save that $15 dollar iTunes card I got for my birthday as a weight loss reward for new gym music.

How are you doing with your weightloss? Anyone got any tips?

The Magical Year

2009-04-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

I was told on Friday, my birthday, that 28 is a magical year. Astrologically - important things happen on your 28th, 56th, and 84th birthdays. I am hoping that this is true. I mean, who wouldn't want a magical, important year?

The entire birthday weekend was incredible. I really have some amazing, loving friends who are always there for me. Came into my station at the salon entirely decorated, with gifts and balloons and confetti and a huge tasty cupcake. Went out for drinks with friends Friday night and had a party at my parent's place on Saturday night.

S.R. Costa Photography

S.R. Costa Photography

Cory's cupcakes and a tiny birthday cake too. Cakesbycory.net

The amazing bag Sarah made for me. It's perfect for carting around my clippers and trimmers and color supplies for when I make hair house calls. And I do make house calls, if anyone is interested!

The other incredible bag I received for my birthday: A gorgeous new Coach handbag from my parents. Many thanks to all the random women who looked my age at the store that my mother stopped and asked their for their opinion. You all chose beautifully. I love it!

Calla Lilys from Crystal, along with some wine and chocolate. You cannot go wrong with that.

Music has been a driving force in my life and I am now set for awhile. iTunes gift cards from Aja, Mike and the girls at the salon. Anyone got music suggestions?

Also from Sarah, this inventive writer's journal, with tabs for all the inital areas of story writing.

Either my friends know of my love for candles and all good smelling things or our place smells and they are trying to tell us something. I am going for the former. Candles from Kristie, Aja and Lindsay. The reed diffuser is from Kristie as well.

Lindsay got me a Sensy candle warmer and two different scents for it.

Kate and Joe got Mike and I (The Freys) concert tickets to The Fray. Cute and definitely something I will throughly enjoy.

From my brother and his girlfriend, a gift card to Bed, Bath and beyond and from one of the girls at work, a Starbucks card.

Also not photographed, earrings from Dede to grow my earring collection, wine and cds from Aja, moisturizer and face wash from my parents.

So friends, thank you so much for helping me celebrate. I am so very blessed to have you all in my life and look forward to helping you celebrate your next birthday.

Here comes the magical year. I hope to capture as much of the magic as possible.

The Quarterly "Still Fat and Hating It" Post

2009-04-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

There is something about Easter that always makes me ready for another round in the boxing ring with my weight. Perhaps it is the two dozen hardboiled dyed eggs that are stinking up the fridge (so tasty though, and healthy if you don't eat the yoke). Perhaps it is the crap load of sugar and candy I managed to consume this weekend despite the fact I am not a child. I spent twenty minutes last night attempting to floss, brush and powerwash as much of said sugar out from between my teeth.

Stress and winter have both been fun little factors, as they always are, in the tango I dance with my weight. Where I should have been using the treadmill as a coping mechanism, I turned to my fingernails instead and while I can at least say I haven't reached my top weight again, I'm am closer to it then I would like to be.

The Biggest Loser competition is still going strong at work. Well, it was originally supposed to be Jan 8 - Mar 8, then it got bumped to May 8 and now we are all admitting that we need more time, so the deadline has been postponed to July. But I know that by that point, I will be much further down the scale. I've done it before and I can do it again.

So it all starts today. The water. The regimented walking and points and being on board with it all. I have too many cute clothes for summer that I want to fit into. And a 10 year reunion I want to attend being as healthy as I can be.

Yes, the weekly photos will start again, though I won't be posting all of them. Just monthly comparisons. I need all the motivation I can get. So here are the disgustingly true numbers. Current weight= 176.5 Current BMI= 28. My goal weight is 140 and my goal BMI is between 20-25

My measurements as of 4/13/2009

Bust - 43 1/2 inches
Chest - 36
Waist - 41 1/2
Hips - 41 1/2
Thighs - 24
Arms - 13
Neck - 15

Now I know I cannot be the only one out there who is feeling bigger than they want to be. So who's going to join me and make 2009 the year we finally cut the weight for good? I'm doing it, regardless, but it would be great to have support. As the weather gets nicer, maybe have a walking buddy or two?

Who's with me? Who wants to get skinny and hot and sassy for summer??

Just give me a couple of years to say my prayers

2009-04-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

I read once in a novel that if the last thing you said before going to bed on the last night of a month and the first thing you said the following morning were both "Rabbit", you'd be lucky that whole new month. I haven't ever actually tried it (REALLY! I haven't!) but the idea has stuck with me. Despite my lack of participation, I am starting to feel that maybe April is going to be our lucky month.

I cannot begin to share the elation we are feeling tonight at the prospect of this amazing opportunity that is in front of us. I have been praying every single night for the last two months for a windfall of one sort or another and it is finally looking like God is answering. It is so incredible, it can only be a gift from a higher power.

I won't say much because being the silly stupid girl I am, I am fearful of jinxing the situation. But keep your fingers crossed and say little prayers for us. We need a miracle for sure.

Non-Fiction

2009-03-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

Oh hello. Remember when I actually used to post things on this site other than that damn book I'm writing? I kind of do. For those of you who are not reading the book (because reading novels online doesn't interest you, this particular novel does not interest you or you are not a Myspace friend of mine and therefore are not able to read the magic* my brain is spewing out), I apologize for the lack of posts! Interesting posts! Posts with my typical ramblings and random tangents that are only entertaining to me and my mother and . . . well that probably covers it.

I did have a blog writing set back a few months ago - one which I have not talked about with pretty much anyone because it most likely was a mixture of my own personal ishes and paranoia, and I am still standing firm on that. Where once, having a mediocre, somewhat popular blog would have been excellent and what I wanted, now I am trying to focus my time, energy and creativity elsewhere. Namely: the book and hair.

The job has gone from being "eh" to "okay" to fantastic. I love it. Even on my days off, I find myself going by to say hello to my co-workers because I live like five minutes away and I miss them. Had you told me two months ago that it would be this way, I wouldn't have believed you. But it is and I am and yea! Who knew a job could be like this?

Certainly not me.

I still hate waking up in the morning. That will never change. But then, I was the girl who hit the snooze button on her own wedding day, so I doubt anything will ever change that.

What is super exciting is that I am finally reaching a point where clients I serviced in the first month are coming back to me and friends and clients from when I was in school are calling up to make an appointment. I know building a clientele that will actually keep me busy and making more than my hourly wage and meager tips is still a ways away, but that time is getting closer. I can feel it.

Mike's bugging me to go work on the book. For those who are curious, while I have posted just shy of half the book, know that I have about 2/3rds of it written, the rest of it plotted out and am already kicking ideas around for the sequel. And I really want to thank my friends and family who are taking the time to read it. I can't tell if it's any good because it's all so close to me. But keep commenting on things you like, don't like, don't understand or want more of. And remember I am posting the first completed draft. Changes can still always be made.

* When I say magic, imagine that with a sarcastic tone. I have faith in myself and my writing skills but in no way do I believe I am the second coming of any renowned author worth mentioning.

Doors and Windows

2009-03-04T02:06:00.001-08:00

Things are always changing in life. It is an inevitable truth that I have come to grips with. We humans, by nature, do not like change, but have to accept that it is like gravity and taxes. Unavoidable. Whether it be the dynamics of a relationship, the participants in a game or the color of a person's hair, things are going to change. I am not all that sure why there even is the term "static" because there are so few things out there that in fact are.

But with change comes promise of hope, growth and the exhilarating sense of newness.

Lunar

2009-02-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna lie . . . part of me is really hoping the dream I had last night was not just a dream, but in some way, a premonition.

I'm barely holding onto you

2009-02-13T21:05:00.000-08:00

I spoke of you last night, while having dinner with my friend Kate. Reflected on the fact that when they put you on morphine, I knew then it was the end. And I'd been looking at the calendar, knowing this day, yet again, was coming. That's the funny thing about calendars and anniversaries . . . good or bad, they keep coming. The years pass and yet, you aren't here to enjoy them.

I was explaining to a co-worker today about these letters I write each year to you, how hard I've taken your death in the past few years. What resonates with me, bothers me most is the fact that I really saw your moving to Washington as finally an opportunity to get to know you as a person and not just my grandmother. To be able to build the kind of friendships I have with my mother and her mother. But that opportunity was short and limited; I didn't know how little time we had left.

This past summer, our family traveled across the country and attended a family reunion for Mom's family. All the kids and grandkids and great-grandkids of my maternal grandmother, gathered in one spot for a long weekend of fun and games. And when we got the pictures taken, it was almost magical to see all the lives that were created or touched because of this one woman. I cannot help but try to envision the picture we would have taken with you.

Accepting that you are gone comes easier with time, but there are moments, like today, when its almost too painful to even fully think about. How you were fine and then you were under the weather and then you were in the hospital and gone. I know it was stretched out for a number of weeks, but looking back, it feels like it went by so fast. Too fast to ever fully say the things that should have been said.

You were an amazing woman. You raised two incredible boys to become incredible men. You had a spark and a spirit and a sense of humor that still resound in me. I don't see many hereditary traits that I got from you, but I still know you are as much a part of me.

I just wish you were here so I could tell you this in person.

I miss you so. Love you even more. That will never change.

Always and forever

Your granddaughter

Elizabeth June

Growling doesn't get words on the page

2009-02-12T17:52:00.001-08:00

For the most part in writing this novel, I haven't hit much writer's block. Even when I couldn't find the inspiration to piece together a chapter, I'd work on backstory or even write a journal entry as the character, to better flesh out who they are and what they are thinking/feeling/wanting. Since starting this book in October, there hasn't been much writer's block and I am eternally grateful for that.

Slowly and after revision and editing, I have been posting the chapters for friends to read. (So far, the feedback has been kind, but if anyone wants to throw some criticism my way too, I can take it. As long as it's constructive, of course.) And for the most part, I have been spacing them out just so I didn't find myself literally writing the following chapter in order to get it up on the blog. That was how I used to write fac fiction and while having a deadline can be helpful, I have felt that this time around, I have to write this entirely for me.

The next chapter to be posted has been agonized and scrutinized over. I have written it FIVE different ways now, not sure how to go about the semi-pivotal scene. Each way had elements that I liked and elements that I didn't care so much for. None of them felt perfect. I have to wonder if there are chapters in books of other authors that they are never entirely pleased with. There has to be, right?

Version one was written awhile ago. Version two was written about a month later. Version three is really just a combination of one and two, but I still wasn't happy with it. Version four I wrote out last night and this morning but still felt it was missing something. So in the end, I have taken all the parts of the four preceding versions to make one ginormous chapter that hopefully captures what I am trying to create.

You get attached to these characters as you write them. You want to do justice by them, to show them in the correct light and give them all the respect they deserve. It's crazy, really. I haven't started talking about them to other people as if they are really in my life, but I think about them just as much as real people.

So after spending nearly the last eight hours on ONE CHAPTER, I am taking a break and going to have dinner with a friend. I'll probably post it later tonight.

Much love to all of you who are patiently waiting for the posting of each chapter and not laughing at me for even attempting this. It doesn't feel as ridiculous to say "I'm writing a novel." as I worried it would feel, but maybe that is because I am not sitting at a Starbucks all day and banking on this novel to actually get published. There are so many steps leading to even attempting to get published and right now, I just want to see the end of the novel.

And, you know, start the next one.

Still his little girl

2009-01-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

My first real job in high school, aside from babysitting and running a neighborhood paper route, was a part time position at the Paradise Bakery at the Vancouver Mall. I worked there for seven months before moving on, which is strange to think about now, because those seven months feel like they were far longer than that. Like in any job, the first few weeks were hard, getting acclimated to the structure of the job, the expectations of management, the ever-so-fun world of customer service.

Since it was my first job, my father wanted to make sure that I was doing all right, that I was happy, to see where I worked so when he pictured me, he could see me there. Somewhere in that first week or two of working, Dad slipped over to the mall and entirely undetected by me, saw me at work. I never saw him that day, only heard about it from him later on, but I knew then that a pattern would emerge. And every local job I have ever had since, within the first few weeks of starting, my father has cruised by to see.

Yesterday, while shampooing a client, for some unknown reason, I looked up to the front windows of the salon to see my father walking past, waving. Closer to thirty than twenty years old, it still made me smile. I know I am a lucky girl to have a father who loves me that much.

I Couldn't Get Much Higher

2009-01-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

Three days into my new job career, I can honestly tell you that I LOVE it. I love how quickly time goes by, how varied the tasks can be and how fun the atmosphere is. I work with a great group of girls who are all very easy to talk to and I am so eager to get to know. The age group I am working with seems to be around my own, but that couldn't be more perfect.

I am kicking myself for not doing this sooner, but I suppose that everything happens for a reason and I am thankful to have figured this out now. It's funny, but I already feel like my life is on a better track because I am finally doing something that is worth my time and energry and focus. Yet, instead of draining me and my creativity, I feel that it is recharged and ever pulsating with new ideas.

It is so cool to be able to sit someone down in my chair and know that I am going to be able to do what they want me to do. I have my schedule for the next six weeks and am ready to start building up my clientele.

Cue the theme song from The Hills

2009-01-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it is coincidence or fate or my damn good luck that I will be starting my first job in my new career one year to the week as I lost my last one. This same very week last year, I had the rug pulled out from under me and my eyes opened to the fact that there has to be something better for me out there then answering phones, filing stacks of papers and processing job applications for other people. I had always been under the impression that I would just find a job and do it until we got to the place where we could have me stop working and have babies. But come on. In this day and age, the likelihood of being able to support a family on one income is near to impossible and those who do it, I have the utmost respect for, simply because I do not know how they do it.

Now, I have found and earned a career that I love. That is fun and exciting and not stressful in those mundane ways that my old jobs were. I get to be creative and charismatic. Eventually, I will get to be my own boss and set my own hours and just reap the benefits of this fantastic future ahead of me. Of course I still want kids, but waiting a few more years does not seem as daunting or punishing as it did a year ago.

So off I go tomorrow to cut and color and make the world beautiful. I've been cleaning out my closet of my old office clothes and been doing a little shameless shopping for new salon wear. New year, new job, new me.

I'm already loving it.

Addicted

2009-01-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging much. Been too busy working on the book. Yeah, I know, it's only exciting to me. But it is exciting. More than exciting, it's exhilarating. Kind of like a drug. Most nights, I am up until 2:30 or 3 am, putting things down in my notebook before typing it up in the laptop.

I know it seems kind of archaic, but I actually hand write a good chunk of each chapter before I type it up and edit the shit out of it. I am not sure what spurs me to do that, whether it be that I like not always being tethered to the laptop or that I feel a bit more involved, closer to the story by writing it out in long hand. But since I started laying out ideas for this book in the last weeks of October, I have been using the same notebook. I filled the very last page of it last night.

Most pages look like this. Most often, I have ink smudges on my ring finger (where my pen rests) and a dent above the first knuckle, as holding a pen for two to three to four hours seems to do that.

I've done rewrites. I've taken the story in different directions. I have had new ideas come to me, things to enrich the story or to string along and tie up in the second book. Yes, I have already decided that there will be a second book. This, what I am writing now, is actually the precursor to the dream that actually started it all.

And once I reach a point that I am done "writing" then I start transcribing, typing the sucker into Microsoft word and begin the never ending task of editing it. I can read and reread and reread again and still find something to take out or something to add in. It's a never ending project. Even what I am posting for friends to read can only be considered a first draft.

Still, printing it out into book format definitely makes it look and feel that much more real.

There are about fifty pages there, folks. With two pages on every sheet. And that is probably only about 1/3 of the book. The rest is still in my head . . . waiting to get out.

I hope you are reading it and if you are, enjoying it. And don't be afraid to leave feedback - I need it all. Good, bad and WTF?s too.

I'm having a blast writing it.

One the eve of 2009

2008-12-31T01:38:00.000-08:00

I did my annual Plus/Minus post already, but She Likes Purple posted this and it was a survey I was intrigued to answer myself. 2008 was a hard year but a fantastic one too. It only set 2009 up to be incredible. I cannot wait.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

The list is long, but the most memorable is candling someone's ears.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had a list of them and some I promptly forgot, some I worked at and failed over, and others I feel I achieved. Namely - write more, choose a hairstyle and do it, cook more, take more pictures of myself, stop bitching and loose the weight (half way to personal goal), work out at leas 3x a week (some weeks, I am more diligent than others)and be a better friend. I can only hope that I achieved that last one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Close friends, no. Good friends, yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Sadly, yes. Tom lost his battle with cancer in November.

5. What countries did you visit?

I got fairly close to Canada by plane.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A paycheck.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 12th - when I got my big idea for Cosmetology school

July 12-15th - Family reunion

July 28th - celebrated my first wedding anniversary

October 16th - fulfilled a goal from five years ago to see Celine in concert

December 2nd - Practical boards exam

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completed at 1600 program in 8 months. Managed to keep my closest friendships (and my marriage) fully intact in the process.

9. What was your biggest failure?

There were some doctor appointments I should have made that I didn't. Also, I thought I would be awesome at prom hairstyles and "up do's". I'm not.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Sinus infection in April. Nasty cold in December. That's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My GHD flat iron. Holy snotballs, it is awesome.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I have to agree with Jenny "The 63 million people who elected Barack Obama as president."

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Appalled? I could name a few people. Depressed? No one.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, groceries and outrageous gas prices

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

This whole career I am building for myself. I mean, seriously, people are going to pay me to play with their hair! How is that work? It's way too much fun!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Mercy" by Duffy
"Shatter" by O.A.R.
"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson
and all the other songs I loved that KINK highly overplayed this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

happier, thinner and poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I can't think of much. Spent more time with Kristen, definitely.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Pedicures. There, I said it. I don't mind them, but you say that to one instructor and you are forever their Go to Girl.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With family. Mike's family in the morning, My family in the evening. A nice little nap with Mike on the sofa somewhere in between the two gatherings. It was perfect.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes. But he's fictional and I am already married.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

House.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't keep people I hate in my life.

24. What was the best book you read?

I am going to have to say Twilight, but ONLY because it got me writing fiction again. It was the catalyst to my own dormant creativity and for that, I will be forever thankful. But Every Visible Thing by Lisa Carey was brilliant too.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Matt Nathanson

26. What did you want and get?

A license and a new lease on life

27. What did you want and not get?

A job before Christmas. Oh well.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia hold the tie. Both guilty pleasures in their own rights.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Party at my parent's house with a group of wonderful friends. I am such a lucky girl. I turned 27.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Our debt to magically disappear, or the necessary money to pay it off to randomly appear in our bank account

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Out with boring office wear, in with fun salon wear. Oh, and donning the VSB smock. Layers, layers, layers too (school was really cold)

32. What kept you sane?

Mike, my iPod, my journal, text messaging with Sarah while at school and the stellar girls I met while there (Kristie, Crystal, Jessyka, Tearie)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Fancy? No one comes to mind.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sucks that I am not very political at all. Prop 8 has me pretty annoyed.

35. Who did you miss?

There's a list. I'll spare you though.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Kristie.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

I learned that nothing is secure except for the relationships we hold in our life. Not our jobs, our stocks, our gas prices, our predictable weather, etc. Things change, but as long as we are flexible and have a support system around us, we'll weather through.

I learned that I have the capability to take myself as far as I want to go in life. No one is holding me back but myself.

I learned that my husband is rivaling my parents as my number one fan. And I fall in love with him all over again every time I realize that.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"With my heart wide open, yeah you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

Sugarland "Settlin"

Checks and Balances

2008-12-29T11:52:00.000-08:00

Lost Tom Sanders (11/21/2008)

Lost Heather, Jessica B and Margaret

Gained Caryn.

Gained Kristie, Tearie, Crystal, Jessyka, Charlotte, Ava, Hallie, Raye and Jessi.

Gained Rondi.

Celebrated my first wedding anniversary

Hit a crossroads in life and paved my own path

Chopped ten inches from my hair

Got bangs. Twice.

Learned my natural haircolor is technically a dark blond.

Met my brother's type of girl (who is awesome).

Finally visited my brother in Seattle and Finally saw the side of Seattle that so many people love.

Totally envied my brother's amazing loft apartment. Best Craigslist find in history.

Fell back in love with writing.

Found the Twilight saga

Graduated.

Gained a professional license.

Earned a better score on my Board Exams than I had expected to.

Dropped twenty pounds.

Branched out in my musical preferences

Saw more snow fall than I have since 2003

Learned how crazy some people can be

Reconnected with an old boyfriend's mom. She is a riot.

Watched Dylan and Nicolle tie the knot.

Watched Sarah's twins grow from babies to toddlers.

Read as four of my favorite bloggers became mothers (some of them, for a second time)

Realized I am still not ready to become a Mommy blogger.

Came to understand more now than ever the life is a compromise.

Pushed myself harder and further than I have in a very long time.

Fulfilled a long time dream of seeing Celine Dion live. Laugh all you want but that woman knows how to put on a show.

Finally got back to Seneca Lake. Got to meet family I hadn't before, connect with adorable children of my cousins. Kicked ass at the family Blackjack table. Finally got to meet my adult cousins as the adult I now am. Gave my aunt a fairly decent haircut with cheap scissors from IKEA. Got to see Tom one last time before he passed.

Got a new sofa, new dining room table and the BEST chocolate chip cookie recipe. EVER.

Enjoyed countless hours with my dearest and closest friends - these incredible women compel me daily to seek out the best in myself and create only the best around me. You know what makes our friendships great? We aren't all exactly alike. We contrast and compliment each other in ways that only the best friendships can.

Built a very cool friendship with my husband. When the honeymoon wears off (and it does), you have to be able to look at this person and know there is more to "you" than whatever those love-filled goggles showed you the first two - three years. Sure, he annoys me and yes, I nag him. But there is no one I would rather stay up until the crack of dawn with, watching movie marathons and making scramby eggs with. Mike and I will be celebrating our 4th Christmas together this year.

Decided next Christmas, I am celebrating it in Hawaii.

2008 was pretty damn great (and I half meant to rhyme), even if it meant stretching our finances to the point they are nearly invisible and severely altering my interpretation of down time. I've come to realize that there will always be an obstacle that I can let get in my way or I can just find a way around it. Mike is unbelievably supportive, sometimes getting more excited about things in my life than I do.

Slightly less tacky than those God-awful newsletters

2008-12-24T15:27:00.001-08:00

Stamps cost money, which we don't have much of right now. So in lieu of mailing photo cards out this Christmas, I am posting ours here. Wishing you and yours a wonderful, love-filled holiday with family and friends. Be sure to take a moment in the next few days to remember the reason for the season is not presents, but presence. We are each so very lucky for the days we are given on this Earth.

Merry Christmas!

Slow Down

2008-12-18T16:16:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago, I discovered a Scottish singer named Ben Jelen on a 'Judging Amy' episode, of all things. They played this song at the end of the episode and I was immediatelly on a mission to find out what the song was and who it was. That was where tv.com came in VERY handy.

I ended up buying the entire album on iTunes and have come to love it, but my favorite is still the song the drew me to him.

Slow Down

All of my answers, and all my reasons

And all my excuses they never rest

'Cause all of my answers they keep on changing

I spend my life waiting for the next

And oh, I just keep on moving

And oh, I just keep on pushing forward

And oh, I forgot what I was looking for

And all their illusions, I won't believe them

I'll always believe what I can't forget

'Cause all of their reasons, they keep on changing

I spend my life waiting for the next

And oh, I just keep on moving

And oh, I just keep on pushing forward

And oh, I forgot what I was looking for

Well, I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence to get away from all my lies

I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence to get away from getting by

I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence for just one look through those eyes

Posterity

2008-12-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

Late last month, just after Thanksgiving, my family and I, along with my best friend Sarah, photography goddess. gathered up at the Washington State University Vancouver campus to take some highly overdue family portraits. One of the delightful little details about Mike and I is the fact that we have had professional photos done every year we have been together. Not a huge deal, but not an element that was in my last few relationships, so I relish it.

2006 -

2007

And now, 2008

But along with Mike and I, my family was the focal point of the shoot, which was so much fun with Sarah. She and I had scouted the location before hand, so we were aware of fun little spots like the bridge Mike and I are seated on. Her go with the flow and capture the real essence of our family made the shots much more realistic and not so stuffy posy-posy.

I love my family.

Insomnia (Chapter One)

2008-12-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

Despite my concerns of plagiarism or ridicule, I am going out on a limb here and posting the first chapter of the story that I have been working on. Not sure who all out there will be reading this, but know that it is close to my heart and taking up a lot of my time and energy (which I am willingly giving), so please don't rip it to shreds just for the sake of being critical.

Oh and enjoy -

Insomnia

It had been four days since I’d last slept, despite my dutiful attempts to try. I am sure to any seasoned insomniac, that was nothing. But I’d never experienced anything like it. Before then, I had always been a champion sleeper, even a regular nap taker. Sure, I’d had restless nights, but never four of them in a row and never without at least a few hours of sleep. My eyes felt heavy, my tongue thick and slow and I felt an equal division of lethargy and anxious energy. I was clearly a mess.

What brought on the insomnia, I wasn’t sure, but the plaguing questions that filled my head as I’d lie awake at night awaiting slumber, well those queries perpetuated it. What was I doing with my life? Where was I going? Who was I now, after everything that had happened? Was I happy?

I suppose these are questions that haunt just about everyone at one point or another in their life, but they were ringing a true bell at that very moment and I hated that I lacked such direction. What was I doing with my life? Until 9 months ago, my focus had been on my mother and her illness. She had given me purpose, just as I had once given her purpose, and I never questioned my station in life. I was going to see her to health or see her to death, but whichever way her fate took us, I knew it was my job to hold her hand. Once she was gone, my purpose was getting her effects in order and our house sold. A string of odd jobs had never been enough to cover the mortgage or the utilities or even feed me, if I kept the house. Selling the house felt like the physical and metaphoric answer, at the time. Close that chapter in my life and move on. But now I worried I’d moved too hastily and sold a piece of myself in the process. But it was a little too late for remorse. Now, I was just waiting. Waiting for a sign, waiting for redemption, waiting for death. Waiting for something or someone to save me from this aimless rut I’d fallen into.

Where was I going? Hell if I knew. I’d left Seattle because I couldn’t face the life I’d left when Mom had gotten sick. It must have been pretty unremarkable for me to just leave it. After the house had sold, I drove to Portland and chose to stay. It was close enough to still feel like home but foreign enough to be a fresh start. Or at least, a start.

Who was I now, after everything that had happened? I hadn’t known who I was before Mom had gotten sick. I’d just been one of the girls – the girls at school, the girls at the gym, the girls at the office. I had just been there, taking in air and taking up space.

So here it was, Saturday evening and I hadn’t slept since Monday. I was turning into a zombie, according to my roommate, Grace. She’d offered me sleeping pills and suggested numerous activities that would guarantee to exhaust me to the point of collapsing. The list had ranged from running steps to calling up an old boyfriend of hers’ for some "fun". She was so inventive and helpful.

"I am not calling an ex of yours!" My cheeks flushed bright pink when she suggested it.

"Logan, why not? He’s not really an ex, because we never were really a couple. We just spent time together."" She was serious; I could see it in her eyes. Her lips were curling into a suggestive smile, recalling something I was curious to hear. But the idea of cold calling a stranger wasn’t my style. "He’s a great guy and has an amazing body!"

I shook my head, refusing to dignify that question with an answer. "No."

"Well . . . you have to do something. Obviously, lying around, hoping to fall asleep isn’t doing you any good." She paused for a split second before her eyes lit up. "Come dancing with me tonight! Yeah! We’ve never gone out dancing together. You can be my wing woman!"

"Your wing woman? For what?" I knew she was meeting a guy, but she’d never invited me on a date with her before. She’d been rambling about some guy that morning on the phone as I lied in bed, virtually responding to the appropriate breaks in her sentence flow, without actually listening to her.

"My date - the coffee shop guy. Weren’t you listening at all this morning?" She actually looked hurt.

"Oh yes!" I lied. "Grace, I’m sorry. I am not myself these days. This insomnia thing is eating at me from all different sides."

"So then, call Jeff!" She brightened up and pushed the phone back across the counter to me. I could see Jeff’s number prompted on the display screen.

"No!" I got up and walked to my room. I knew she’d keep persisting until I gave in to something. A shower sounded good and admittedly, so did dancing. If I really let loose on the floor, maybe I’d finally sleep tonight.

Our bathroom had adjoining doors and I leaned out into the hall to let Grace know I’d be in there for a bit. "I’m taking a shower."

"Does that mean you’re coming tonight?" Her voice rang out sharply from the kitchen. I paused, asking myself the same question.

"Yes." The word slipped out before I could change my mind or take it back.

"Yes!!!" I heard her hiss. I couldn’t help but smile a bit.

As I waited for the shower to warm, I pulled my hair up and looked at my face in the mirror. My skin was pale, as usual, but my eyes were baggy and purplish from the lack of sleep. I’ll need some serious makeup tonight to pull off looking human.

I slipped into the shower and stood for probably ten minutes directly under the stream of water. Scalding hot water raked across my skin but I found it calming, in a masochistic way. I imagined every thought in my head spilling out and washing down the drain. I tried to bring forth a part of me I’d buried a long time ago; ‘Social Logan’, as I liked to think of her as, was the part of my personality that had always loved dancing and being out amidst the nightlife. I hoped she’d fit me like a glove again. Opening my eyes, I spied the hideously cheerful waterproof radio Grace blared every morning, hanging in front of me and turned it on for the first time since I’d moved in. Quickly, the small room filled with a catchy pop song and I found myself dancing along to the song as I shampooed my hair and rinsed away four days of lassitude.

Getting out, I noticed Grace slipped a pre-function drink into the room. Vodka Redbull – sometimes, I swore this girl read my diary. She obviously just got it; got me. Had I told her that vodka was my drink? I couldn’t recall but I appreciated the energy and the alcohol. She must have guessed I’d need some liquid lubrication to get me out the door.

Wiping a washcloth through the steam on the mirror, I took in my appearance again. I looked less zombie-ish, more awake and even smiling a little. The music kept my foot tapping as I toweled off and squeezed the excess water out of my hair. It would take a blow-out and flat iron magic to get me "club" worthy and I had just enough time.

Grace had better appreciate this!

My bed was covered in the contents of my closet when I got out of the bathroom fifty minutes later.

"Can I borrow this?" Grace held out my favorite beaded brown chiffon top, her eyes so full of hope and anticipation, I couldn’t say no.

"Um . . . sure." I looked at the careless pile of my clothes and fumed a little. I wasn’t the most organized person, but I’d just managed to organize my closet in a feng shui attack.

"You can wear this. We’ll compliment each other." She held up a soft turquoise top of mine I hadn’t worn in a few years. With my yo-yoing weight, I’d kept an entire portion of my closet off-limits until I was thinner. I hoped I was small enough to fit into the blouse she held for me.

"We’ll see." I began to hang some of the discarded items, trying to hide my annoyance.

"Sorry about the mess." She said as she gazed at herself in my full length mirror. "I just suck at fashion and this guy is so hot." She looked back at me, looking for forgiveness or approval – of which, I wasn’t sure.

"So he offered to take you dancing?" I asked, trying my best to get things back in order.

"Yeah. I just pointed out he’d grabbed my drink and he apologized and handed it to me. I went to add some cream and sugar to it and when I turned around, he asked if he could make it up to me by taking me dancing at Dirty tonight."

"I’ve never heard of anyone being asked out like that."

"At a Starbuck’s? Well . . . welcome to Portland!" She obviously didn’t notice the strangeness I did. She didn’t seem like the type to get such impromptu invites like that. Hell, I never had.

Grace wasn’t so much ugly as she was just plain. Her body was average, her hair wavy and a dull blonde color that feel about shoulder length. Her eyes were a little too close together an she had a mole on her forehead that I’d had a great deal of difficulty not to stare at when I talked to her the first month after I moved in. She tried hard to make up for it with a great personality and a go-with-the-flow attitude. Both of us stuck in our mid-twenties, it seemed to me that most of the guys we’d meet at places like bars were looking for a piece of ass rather than a lifelong commitment. Sometimes, I felt her willingness to go along put her into situations that left her in a less than flattering light. But she was resilient and had a good heart. She’d yet to have given up on me.

She stepped into a denim skirt of mine that hung loose on her hips and made her skinny legs look even scrawnier but she didn’t seem to notice, or care, really. Maybe the idea of wearing someone else’s clothes gave her an extra boost of confidence. And really, who was I to judge? Maybe this guy thought she was really hot.

Dirty on a Friday night. I’d never been and I knew I was in for an eventful night.

More to come.

Spare No Expense

2008-12-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

With the state of our current finances, Christmas is going to be extremely small for us this year. I am not expecting many (if any) gifts at all, and I am entirely okay with that. But I was thinking about what I would want if money were not scarce and theses were the things that came to mind. It was kind of fun . . .

iHome Portable because I am tired of burning discs of my playlists, my computer's speakers aren't that great and those earphones get uncomfortable after a while.

Nikon D90 - One of my requirements before we have kids is that I have an excellent camera so I can capture their moments properly. Plus, it would be nice to brush up on my photography skills.

Coach - I sacrificed my Coach handbag for the year (I allow myself one a year) for my GHD flatiron (THE BEST FLATIRON IN THE WORLD!!!) and I don't regret it in the least. But I love this bag and it would look so pretty on me.

J Charm - I have the "B" and I have the "F" Coach charms. I just need the "J" to complete my monogram. And I love the colors!!

Key Fob - I do not discuss much my love for penguins on my blog, for fear that I will come off like the Jessica Alba character in "Good Luck Chuck". But I do love them and about 90% of my Christmas decorations are penguins. If possible, my baby's nursery will be in penguins. Let us not forget this is already waiting for them. But this key fob is adorable and I would carry it year-round.

Horseshoe - I had a good luck duck, but I gave it to a friend when I graduated school last month. But it never hurts to have a little luck on your side, nor does it hurt to sport Tiffany's

Blackberry Pearl - I am notorious for pocket calls (Sorry Aja!!) and have only had clam phones since about 2003, but the Blackberry is so slick and someday, I hope to be busy enough to need something like this to corrdinate my life.

Henley B - These townhouses are being built in Vancouver and the houses on the 'island' have garages in the back. Side yards (not shown in the picture) are perfect for a newlywed couple or small family. The fact they are being built walking distance from my parent's house is coincidental, but since I toured the model, I have been aching to make it my home. Maybe in a couple years.

Infiniti G 37 Journey - Sometime in the next year or two, we will be in a place where we can hand my car to Mike and buy me something new (probably with a decent warranty). But if I had my pick . . . it would be this.

30 Things Women Love that Men Don't Understand

2008-12-10T22:23:00.001-08:00

1. Drunk online shopping - Yeah, I don't know about this one

2. Trapeze dresses- I didn't know what it was either. That's why I added a link.

3. Having a good cry - Sometimes, you just have to cry

4. Dark nail polish - "Shades of Dark" By Fingerpaints is a personal fav of mine

5. Reality TV dating shows - They used to hold their charm. Now they are just trainwrecks.

6. Brunch - Omeletes and mimosas. Together. Heaven.

7. Constantly changing one's Facebook status - I know a ton of guys who do it too

8. Frozen yogurt - feels like ice cream, except it doesn't go to your midsection

9. Gossiping—about real life people we know, don't know, or only know through magazines, TV, and movies - We see ourselves in others, or maybe, we don't see it, but its there.

10. Cooing over adorable pictures of baby animals - and LOL Catz.

11. Sexless cotton brief underwear - comfy.

12. The Swiffer - Don't own one but I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser

13. "Twilight" - Why is this 13??? It should be right underneath dark nailpolish

14. The music of Beyonce, Chris Brown, and Madonna - Madonna, yes. Beyonce, yes. Chris Brown - yes with Jordin Sparks

15. Musicals - Beautiful men who sing and dance and portray straight men. It's fantasy.

16. Short haircuts - Long hair is work. Short hair is less work.

17. Chuck Bass - Who? Had to look him up. He's on that show Gossip Girls, which I have never watched.

18. Shopping during a crisis - Shopping whenever. It is the hunting and gathering nature in us, only moderized.

19. Multiple bed pillows - I sleep with one. My mother? Like 6. I cannot explain it. But I like how lots of pillows look on a made bed.

20. Girly drinks - Taste lovely, but do not gain the respect from the guys as Whiskey on the rocks. Or Vodka on the rocks. Or Bourbon on the rocks.

21. $50 scented candles - They don't leave soot on your ceilings.

22. Movies starring and/or produced by Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon - Because they just get it.

23. Men who appear dirty and grimy, but are actually totally hot, i.e. Robert Pattinson, Justin Bobby, etc. - Rob Pattinson - swoon, drool, pant. Justin Bobby? Ewww.

24. Michael Cera - Simply perfection. Even if he plays the same character over and over again.

25. Miniatures - It's been a lifelong love.

26. Astrology - Fun to read but I don't know many people who place much stock in it.

27. Collecting magazines - I go through phases where I do and then I purge them all. Right now, there are probably twelve sitting underneath a basket on the back of my toilet. Haven't looked at them in probably 6 months.

28. Dancing - Hell yeah. Been a dancer since I was 5. Men who dance - hot. Men who dance with their women - absolute keepers.

29. Jeans tucked into boots - I don't do it, but ..e super skinny girls, it works

30. Foreplay - You always warm up your engine before you drive your car.

*** Got to give credit to Nelson on the Buzz for reading this is am and The Frisky for posting it in the first place.***

Allow me to introduce

2008-12-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

I have been so consumed in the past weeks with getting ready for, executing and passing my boards, that my novel has fallen a bit to the wayside. And while I keep it as close to the front of my head (its far more present in my mind than Christmas), I have become a bit distanced from it too, which saddens me.

Wanting to jump back in, with a tighter grasp on the entire story, not to mention the characters I am creating, I went back to the classes I took in college, and the text books I kept after selling all the useless ones back. I know there are writing exercises out there for character development and I plan to scour the Internet for them (like here, here, here and here). But also, in one of the books I had in my writer's stash, was a book with a prototype for Character profile cards. And for the first time, I made them.

You have look as these fictional characters as real people. You have to see their fatal flaws, their saving graces, and their striking features. It helps to have pictures to base them off of (at least, it does for me).

The stack of papers in the back of the shot is my story so far, printed out for editing.

You cannot even imagine how much I am loving this.

From Aja, With Love

2008-12-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

To quote my friend "Made of awesome. Awesome, I say."

This, like the LOL Catz, is totally my brand of humor. Mike finds nothing even slightly amusing about either, so he thinks my funny bone is cracked or something. Then I show him what other people post as humor and he backs off.

Ghosts of Christmases Past

2008-12-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

I am joyfully putting up our little tree and Christmas decorations around the apartment, listening to my favorite playlist I threw together last year and just enjoying that it is past boards and I am finally able to focus on the season. And then I come across ornaments from old Christmases, ones my mom gave my ex-boyfriend and I when we were together. It doesn't feel right to toss them and I cannot ignore the fact that they were for Zack and I (because my mom dates and writes names on EVERYTHING. ) and just use them anyway.

What would you do? There is an ornament from the year Nathaniel and I were together, but we didn't write "Betsy and Nathaniel, Christmas 1998" on it. It's just a sweet Cinderella ornament, so it doesn't feel weird to see it hung on my parent's tree. But to hang these on my own tree, in the home I share with my husband? Too far, too bold, too nostalgic.

I guess they'll just be tucked into the bottom of a box, to be forgotten again until next season.

I Love My Life

2008-12-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

It isn't so much a sense of accomplishment that swells in my heart tonight, but a equal mixture of relief, anticipation and eagerness. Relief because the wondering of how hard the tests would be and how well I would fair is over. I passed both tests, first time taking each, without a doubt in my mind. Anticipation because, of course, the next step is to find a job and start strutting my skills. Eagerness because for the first time, I have skills that other people out there, don't. Sure, I was quite the smooth receptionist and I can make some tasty coffee and I could count an even till nearly every night at the bank. But anyone could step into those positions and have a feel for it within a few weeks (or days, for that matter).

The test was easy, but only because I practiced and practiced and practiced some more. I didn't lose my cool and I didn't freak myself out. I figured that as long as I knew what I was doing, I really couldn't go wrong. And I didn't. Out of 100 possible points, I scored an 88. Not a shabby score, in all honesty.

The sense of accomplishment is small. This is just the first step in the line of goals Mike and I have laid out for ourselves and our marriage. Me graduate, repay my parent's kindness, get Mike through school, buy a house, "put a bun in my oven" as Mike says, and just live out our life together. It's still a spread out future, but it's one step closer now. Nothing really is holding me back from getting a first job in my new career and I feel comforted in that. This career is something that I can shape and mold for myself. No corporate micromanagement to slow me down. They stand in my way, I step around them.

Deep sigh of relief. I love my life tonight.

I am beautiful on an empty page

2008-11-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

There are moments of self-doubt. There are days where nothing I write sounds or feels right. I question the character, the plot, the dialogue. Should I really be attempting this from first person narration? Third person is so much safer. I wonder if I am crazy to even attempt this.

And then there are moments where quick line changes take a messy paragraph and transforms it into near perfection. When another piece to the story comes to me while I brush my teeth or sit at a traffic light. Where I start to see these characters as real people, with faults and flaws and details that just make you want to love them. I love them all, even the villains. You have to, to write like this.

These are the parts to writing that thrill me. Some dreams you chase, some dreams, you have to wait for them to come to you, to choose you. This is my dream. I cannot wait to see where it takes me. For now, I write this for myself and the ones who have shown interest in reading it. But who knows where it will go.

18,000 words written so far. There is still so much to put down, but I will hopefully be posting part of it soon.

During a commerical break of CSI

2008-11-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

Mike: Hey, I finally got to use one of your tidbits of information to answer one of Tim's questions today.

Me: Oh yeah? Which one?

Mike: He asked why when some people sing, they don't have an accent, but then will start talking, they do. I was able to tell him it was because of the creative verus the logical sides of the brain and how one is for language and one is for singing.

Me: Ahh . . . Glad to know I serve more of a purpose now than just sex and baking cookies.

Now before anyone jumps to conclusions here

2008-11-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

This is an impulsive buy. Nothing more! Do not read into this as anything other than a penguin lover/future mother (in say, 2012) seeing a onesie for $1.00 at Target.

It was too cute and too cheap to pass up. And definitely led to a priceless, confused look on Mike's face when he started digging around in my shopping bag to see what I had purchased. And I reassured him, as I am doing now to you, dear Internet, there is no bun in the oven.

I was out with Sarah today and she point blank asked me "When are you going to have a baby?". She's more persistent than my mother about this. I love my best friend and I know she is just anxious to see me pregnant and doting over my own children the way I do her babies. Her girls are all so beautiful and smart. Larkin and I were having a picture Q and A in their foyer today and she pointed out every one of her family members perfectly. I am shocked how quickly these little girls are growing and how quickly they are becoming people, with opinions and personalities and determination.

I look forward to that, in my own time. Something has shifted in me in the last month and where I felt I was just bidding my time until it was "financially appropriate" for us to have a child, now I realize that I am still not ready for it. I still need to be a little selfish before I can become as self-less as a mother needs to be.

But still, the onesie was too cute and I know come 2012, it won't around. So I'll tuck it into a drawer somewhere and wait.

Celebrations

2008-11-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Saturday night played off to be quite lowkey, since a number of my friends were under the weather. So we had dinner at Red Robin (Thanks to Mom and Dad, Mike, Kate and Joe, Aja, John and Brian for all coming out!) and then we made plans for dancing next weekend, when everyone is feeling better. Then John, Brian and I headed to Scooters in Portland for some drinks. Seriously, ladies, these are two fantastic guys!

I am working out every day this week to get ready for our night out on the dance floor. It's been a long while since I have looked or felt this good.

The Finish Line

2008-11-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's kind of hard to believe that I only have 23.25 hours left. Seriously, unreal. How quickly these weeks and months have passed and yet, there were days that would drag on so slowly, I could feel myself aging. I cannot imagine how some of my classmates have done this for a year and a half or two years or even three. But the flexible schedule the VSB offers is made for people like them, who cannot come 9 to 5 or 9 to 8, as in my case.

I am not really sure when it all kind of clicked together and started to make sense, but somewhere along the way, it did. I am not about to boast that I am any good at anything, but I definitely don't feel the urge to run and hide every time a client walks through the door. Well, sometimes, I do, but if you saw some of the people who walked through our doors, you'd understand. You'd run and hide too.

I knew going in that this would be the kind of schooling and education where I got about as much out of it as I put in. But I was confident in the fact that I was a bit older, with a little bit more real world workplace experience behind me, knowing that no, I do not want to work with filing cabinets for the rest of my life. I don't want to put phone calls through to voicemail and I certainly do not want to spend my life stuck under a salary cap because most receptionists/assistants do not make more than $XX.XX amount of money an hour.

I wanted something that wouldn't deaden my creativity, that wouldn't keep me pinched under micromanagement and political power struggles in an office setting. While I could dress up and play the part, I couldn't keep the improv of happy office worker going forever.

It still kills me that this is a job. No, a career. People are going to pay me to play with their hair. To paint their nails. To inflict necessary pain on them with rapid hair removal. To do their makeup and make them feel fabulous. It's too much fun.

It really has been fun. Honestly, there is no other way I could have imagined spending the last 8.5 months of my life. This was probably the smartest move I have made in a very long time. I'm just so glad that I had the tenacity to see it through.

I never doubted I wouldn't make it, but it's still kind of amazing to see that I am really here at the finish line.

I take my practical boards on Dec 2nd. I need to schedule my written exam here for hopefully next week. And then, I'll be licensed and ready to work just in time for the Christmas season.

Christmas already? Where did 2008 go?

Oh, that's right. I waxed it.

Whatever happened to FictionLyn?

2008-10-22T22:58:00.001-07:00

In Spring of 2000, my friend Aja sent me an email with a link to a website. It was my introduction to fan fiction and more specifically N'SYNC fan fiction. I began to read a chapter of a story about an ordinary girl who somehow met the group and one fo the guys fell for her and she for him and things happened. Drama and hilarity and romance ensued. Initally, I wasn't impressed. It seemed so contrived, so formulamatic, so ridiculous. I can remember sitting my/Garry's bedroom in Moraga, writing Aja a resonse that somewhat expressed that. And then I promptly forgot about FictionLyn.

About a month later, Aja came to visit me in CA and "No Strings Attached" dropped and we both went from N'SYNC fans to some form of fanatics, as did a large chunk of the 12-24 year old women of America. We bought tickets to their tour stop mid-June in Portland and by summer, I'd moved back to Vancouver and we were reunited. The summer of 2000 (Summer of N'SYNC Lovin' as I will forever think of it as) began. Aja met this girl online named Lauren and soon she became our third leg in our pop music loving tripod. When I asked Aja how she'd met Lauren online, she told me again about FictionLyn and this entire discussion forum linked from her website. All of these N'SYNC/fan fiction people hung out there and chatted about stories, pop culture, shared pictures of the guys and other various pop/celebutants, as well as their own personal lives and such. It was there that Aja and Lauren had connected and made plans to meet offline. Lauren was awesome, so I was quick to log on, sign up and discover that the world of fan fiction wasn't just this one chick who called herself FictionLyn. There were so many websites with all these people trying their hand at writing and living out a fantasy on paper - or rather, on the computer screen.

Of course, I had to try my own hand at it. I mean, I was in college to become a novelist. It was so up my alley. Yes, I had a website. Yes, it is still online (why, I don't know. I'm lazy.) No, I will not link it. And while it may not have had the following that FictionLyn did, where hundreds of girls waited with baited breath for the next chapter to be posted, I'd say my stories were pretty damn good. And at least five people were on my update email list.

The thing about FictionLyn was that she hid behind her pseudonym. Sure, she'd post on the forum, she'd respond to people's questions and comments, she'd even got as fas as to personally email you and if you struck her right, she'd even name a (minor) character after you (ME), but no one really knew her. Lauren not only was a fan and a phenominal writer herself, but she was also a moderator on the FictionLyn forum. She knew FL better than anyone that I knew and she still didn't know all that much. You have to remember that this was 2000. It was before 9/11, before Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, before camera phones, iTunes and iPods and everyone having their own digital camera. It was a time for avatars and homemade graphics, Napster was in it's hayday, and a whole lot of Photoshop love. We all hid, to a certain extent, behind our screen names, mostly because we didn't have the courage or the means to post pictures of ourselves. But she was FictionLyn. If anyone I knew should be posting at least one picture of herself on her page, it was her. And she did, occasionally, but they were generally pictures from her childhood - brown and faded and fuzzy - just how I imagine the 1970's were.

She was a mystery, which definitely added to her allure, but also made it easy for her to walk away when she was done. It also helped to support the fantastical world that her sagas (because, truly, that was what they were) created. Her stories, like all the really good ff stories, took these unobtainable, unreachable celebrities that we drooled over, dreamt of and dedicated hours of ourselves to and made them a bit more tangible. Well-built imagery could put you in that room with JC as he leaned it for that ever-so-sweet first kiss and make nearly grown women swoon.

FictionLyn wrote four or five stories. Painstakingly perfected sagas that she wrote drafts of and edited and typed up herself and posted. And then, she was done. She tried to move from fan fiction stories that included our beloved boyband to stories based entirely on the fictional characters she'd created to support her stories. I don't know if she ever finished that story. Her stories remained online for awhile, but they were taken down. FictionLyn faded away, as did the group of N'SYNC and the FictionLyn forum turned into a community sounding board for the diehards that never left and the newbies who caught on at the tailend of it all. I personally was sucked into my sophomore year of college and my relationship with Z and drifted away myself. I can't even remember how to find the forum.

I started reading Twilight this week and though I am only a handful of chapters in so far, I am enthralled. The feelings the author stirs up with her imagery and first person narration already has me twitterpatted and last night, as lounged in my bubble bath, I was there. I could feel what Bella was feeling and blush at the idea of a devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful boy staring at me. Rescuing me. Suddenly making an unbearable place interesting and somewhat worthwhile. Three chapters in and I am already sad there are only four books.

I feel that an amazing author is someone who can create a world that I would want to live in. And my favorites have all done that. I tried to explain this sensation once to Aja, but she didn't grasp what I was trying to tell her. And though I fancy myself a writer, I still to this day, have yet to be able to describe it. But between the imagery and the storyline and the setting itself, my favorites are the ones that make me want move in. Envelope myself inside it's world - regardless of what sorts my personal life is in. Lisa Carey does this nearly every novel of her's she's written. Judy Blume did it in Summer Sisters. And Stephenie Meyer is totally doing it with her Twilight series.

I never knew FL's full name. For all I know, she has a Facebook or a Myspace page. She could be married now, with kids and a dog or she could still be living with her cats, teaching school and hopefully looking for "Mr. Right". Does anyone know whatever happened to FictionLyn?

I got nothin'

2008-10-20T23:47:00.001-07:00

I am having one of those surging internal struggles right now, where I know I need to blog and I am dying to blog (because it's been too long) and yet . . . creative juices are not flowing. In the words of a lesser man - "I got nothing."

Today was a fantastic day. Truly. Just an all around great day. What happened? Nothing, really. Nothing exciting to anyone other than me. I slept in, had some amusing dreams ( my purse stolen from me in prison ((I was a prisoner - yet they let me keep my purse)), sexually heated moments with Chris Noth ((this is a new celebrity crush. He's like 54, right?))), got our new laptop power adapter cord from China, chatted with Sarah on the phone, organized my closet, received both book one and two of the Twilight series, had the emissions tested on my car and renewed my tabs and voted for our next President. See? Nothing special. But just a great day. I've been on the internet a limited amount of time in the last week due to a faulty power cord and we had to replace it (again).

Agggghh! I hate this. I sometimes feel like I am running out of ideas. I am going to take the NaBloPoMo again this year - but do it in only photo form this year. Maybe portraits . . . maybe objects . . . maybe lightening will strike with something soon.

Maybe I'll get pregnant just to have something new to discuss.

Kidding.

Off to meet Bella and Edward.

Steve and Barry's goes down!

2008-10-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

Mom called me earlier this afternoon to let me know she saw that Steve and Barry's is closing over by Target and the mall. 1000's of items for under $5.00!! Now I had a difficult time ever finding anything that was my style and fit me well, but Mike definitely liked their jeans and we'd found him a couple of shirts there in the last year.

We'll be heading over there tonight to use up the last of his gift card from there before they close for good. Kind of sad to see them go, but to be honest, most of the time, I forgot they were even ever there . . .

Sweet Deal!

2008-10-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

$1 Sale !

Nordstrom is changing the logo on their makeup, so they're selling everything for $1!!! The make-up line e.l.f. (eyes-lips-face) has been bought out by Nordstrom and will be re-packaged with the Nordstrom name on it. They are getting rid of all the make-up in ELF packaging. They are selling everything for $1. You do have to pay shipping . They have everything - powder, mascara, lipstick, a mineral line (100% natural), brushes & cases, nail polish, lotions, you name it - it's there. The website is: http://www.eyeslipsface.com/shop.asp

When you check out there is a space for a coupon code. Use CAROLINA and save an additional $7.50 if your order is over $15.00.

I checked it out and it's legit. Not EVERYTHING is on sale for a dollar, but even the "spendy" items are a steal. I wish I had some extra cash to burn!

You're shit out of your luck

2008-10-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Private entry

Handwritten Journal Excerpt

2008-10-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

August 29th, 2008

It definitely is a drug - losing weight. I can see where eating disorderists get their buzz from. Being strong and not giving into cravings and then seeing the number on the scale get smaller is so validating. Yes, it was hard to turn down the Krispy Kreme doughnuts everyone was passing around this morning, but how many of those people will be a size smaller on Columbus day? Oh yeah . . . . I go to bed each night looking forward to weighing in the next morning. I love all the little places I am tracking this daily process - each day writing the numbers down. I am understanding why eating all those points is so important and I feel I am getting a more even, consistent loss because of it. Combined with regular workouts (something too terribly new to act like any kind of a veteran over.) I know reaching and maintaining my goal is reasonable and a reality to reach for me.

I was hardly ever a person to compare my body shape and size to friends of entirely different proportions. I never expect to be a 4 or 2, a small. An A cup. Able to shop in tween sections for myself. I'll never see specific bones sticking out and that's okay. I'm okay with that. I just want to look like a leaner, more toned and radiant me. I want to try on and wear clothes that have been too tight or small for too long.

I have come to grips with a number of aspects of my life - how much money I'll ultimately make, how few of my friends will ever envy my life or desire its generic simplicity. How much of a let down my not finishing my English degree was. But one of the grew things about myself I ever allow myself to feel inferior about is how slendor or thick I am and how poorly I look in my clothing in comparison to others.If I could just reach my personal weight goal (which to be honest I have not done since I was 15) I know that insecurity woul be muted.

Looking at my mother, my aunt, my grandmother ( and honestly, a huge number of the women in today's society) I know my weight is a possible battle I'll fight a large chunk of my life. I coul definitely curb that battle if I keep the portion control up as well as the exercise.

Always and Forever

2008-09-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Mom called me tonight to let me know that the father of some old family friends of ours had recently passed away, unexpectedly. Though I hadn't seen this family in years, I still have many fond memories that include them and to hear that Brian was taken so quickly and at a relatively young age (54) is just heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers go out to Roz and David tonight.

I have had the great fortune to have two amazingly healthy parents, both physically and mentally. Sure, Dad had his cancer last year but other than that, our family has been most blessed with strong and healthy bodies. I just can't even fathom at this point the idea that one day, they won't be here. Mike has already had to face that day, first in his dad virtually leaving him and his brother to fend for themselves in the mid-teens and then again when his mom died. In many ways, my parents have somewhat taken him in as more than just their son-in-law, but also, their blood. They see how he treats their daughter; there is no denying he is family.

My mother and I have grown to have a relationship worth envying by girls who aren't that close to their's. There are the few topics we keep in the gray area, but the simple fact that I sent out a text to my friends to see who wanted to go see the last viewing of RENT on Broadway this last weekend and my mom was the first to respond? Speaks volumes. I have been a RENThead since I was 16 and despite the fact Sally knew virtually nothing about the show except my devotion to it, she knew she wanted to be there. And while she may not carry the love for Collins and Angel, Maureen and Joanne the way I do, she took another step in learning another piece of what makes me who I am.

Each family has their pluses and minuses. Some have many more minuses than pluses. But I know I definitely fear the day I know my father or my mother isnt here anymore, possibly more than I fear my own death. Because life cease to exist as I know it far more than it has changed so far.

A Family divided

2008-09-28T17:03:00.001-07:00

My father forwarded some Pro McCain/Palin cartoons to my email address the other day and I sat there for a moment in disbelief that he would A. be that arrogant B. be that dense C. be that careless. He and my brother are very much Republican while my mother and I are very much Democrat.

At their house this morning, I brought his action to light. "Dad, why would you send me those silly cartoons? You know I am a Democrat, right?"

"You shouldn't be." He lifted his eyebrow with a slight smirk.

"Okay. But why would you waste your time sending me that? It's not going to change my mind to see Sarah Palin's face pasted on movie posters. I almost responded with a graphic of Obama with the word "HOPE" at the bottom, but I decided to not be so tongue-in-cheek."

"I'm sending those to all my Democratic friends. You'll change your mind as you get older. "

Ummmm . . . I don't think so.

All kinds of awesome

2008-09-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

Leave it to me to extend an offer to a favorite blogger of mine and have her, in turn, mention/link me on her page the very day after I post an entry with pictures of me in my underwear. Sweet. I am all different shades of red right now.

It took a lot of guts to post those pictures, partially because I am not done and therefore, not entirely satisfied with the current results and partially because I know there are certain avid blog readers/stalkers out there who are looking for every detail they can tear me down with. Schadenfreude, folks. I've been more careful what rolls off my tongue these days for reasons like that.

But I am proud of what I've taken off so far and look forward to seeing how much further I can go by the holiday season.

As for school, I have 7 weeks left until I have completed my hours and take my boards and become a licensed cosmetologist. Last week, I did my mom's hair and gave her a new hair cut as well as my best friend Kate coming in last Saturday and I weaved highlights in for her. It was no different than any of our other customers who have come in, but it feels so different. For one, these are my dear loved ones. If I manage to royally screw up their hair, I'll know how unhappy they are with it and it would be a long time before I forgave myself or they let me touch it again. For two, if they love their hair, they are going to be more likely to spread my name and this is how I build my business post-graduation.

Tonight . . . we tipped Mike's hair. He asked for it himself.

So far, so good

2008-09-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Week 0: July 31st

Week 8: September 25th

It's not even to the halfway point, yet, but it's pretty neat to see what's changed so far.

(Good God! I need to go clean my bathroom mirror!)

So final, so quick are the hands of destiny

2008-09-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Clear signs that this is really happening and that I am actually going to A. LOVE it and B. be damn good at it.

1. The numerous emails from friends asking when I am at school so they can come by and have services done. Folks, I am there Open to Close, Tuesdays through Saturdays. (9 am to 8 pm Tues - Fri and 9 am to 6 pm on Sat). Come see me.

2. The growing number of request clients I am getting. Last week, I had one a day. Five requests in a week? Nice.

3. The growing collection of "professional" tools I am acquiring. I finally purchased the shears that Kate and Aja had given me birthday money for back in April. Instead of the $340 shears that came with nothing but themselves, I opted to get the equally nice/expensive, yet coincidentally on special with matching thinning shears and a feather razor Joewells. And a case. And a pink flat iron. All which came at a nice, chewable tablet price. Sweet.

4. When clients ask how much more school I have and I can tell them "Eleven weeks". Not that I am counting. I mean, I definitely am, but more for the "we need to get me back out there and making money" aspect than the "I need the HELL out of here" aspect that a number of my classmates get near the end of their schooling here at VSB.

5. The vast array of skills that I have been collecting in the past few weeks - like head shaving, and ear candling.

6. The still very astonishing realization that I only thought up and decided to do this on January 12th of this year. A year ago at this time, I had no idea that this was on my horizon. I was sitting in the lunch room today talking with my friend Crystal when it hit me that had my life not gone the way it did last winter, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I am once again reaffirmed that everything happens for a reason.

The Little Things

2008-09-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

You know what one of the smallest but most motivating things that can happen when you are trying to lose weight is? When someone you don't see often, or perhaps, do see often, but are unaware of the fact that you are doing this whole thing, mentions that you are looking good. Thinner. Skinny. I had that happen twice this week and it just boosted me a little higher. Pushed me a little harder on the treadmill. Made me look a little more closely in the mirror to see if I actually was seeing anything yet.

I honestly can't see it in the mirror. So I take a picture every week of myself at the same time, in the same outfit and then I upload it to a collection on the computer. Sure enough, you can see it. Yet, I still look forward to more noticable signs than photos I have to flip back and forth between to see.

I tried on those size smaller jeans I got for my birthday yesterday. They fit better than the last time I tried them on, but I still feel I should wait another five pounds before attempting to wear them out of the house. Which stinks, because my jeans right now are too big . . . they look baggy and sloppy and that is not my style. But that is the price we pay.

Mom got both Mike and I tshirts from Seneca Lake and of course, Mike was living in his within an hour. But mine was a ladies tshirt (you know, the ones that are cut to actually look good on women? The regular kind tent of the chest and just make us look square?) that I didn't have the nerve to even try on. So I hung it up and kind of forgot about it. Yup . . . put it on today and it fit like a glove. Small victory.

One of the items on my to do list tomorrow is to clean out the bigger clothes that need to be removed from my wardrobe permanently. If I don't have them to slip back into if I start to feel like splurging too much.

Life's too short

2008-08-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

. . . to worry too much about what the back of your hair looks like.

. . . to not listen to your favorite songs or watch your favorite movies as often as your heart desires.

. . . to not indulge your inner fat kid from time to time.

. . . to not compliment a girl who has a handbag, pair of boots, hair style or outfit you admire.

. . . to close yourself off to people who aren't exactly like you.

. . . to sleep too much.

. . . too drink bad wine.

. . . to not tell the people you love that you do in fact love them.

. . . to recall all the crappy things people have said about you or to you in the past.

. . . to continue to carry that heavy chip on your shoulder.

. . . to procrastinate and put off your dreams.

. . . to spend too much time in line, in traffic or in the bathroom.

. . . to wonder what others really think about you.

. . . to be around negative people.

. . . to clip coupons.

. . . to read every novel on the list of the 101 books you should read before you start college.

. . . to fight for a hopeless cause.

. . . to argue the toilet seat up/toilet seat down issue.

. . . to clean too much.

. . . to carry cheap handbags.

. . . to not occasionally pamper yourself.

. . . to devote your heart to unrequited love.

. . . to think you are better than anyone and everyone.

. . . to apologize when you don't mean it.

. . . to not kiss your spouse every chance you get.

. . . to put off your heart's desires because of self-imposed rules.

. . . to occasionally get drunk, high or just plain silly.

. . . to never make homemade ice cream.

. . . to not try to learn something because you feel it's too late in life.

. . . to wait for someone else to do something you can do yourself.

. . . to not live as you want to.

. . . to not stay up late with your favorite people.

. . . to skip Happy Hour because it's a weeknight.

. . . to let your age hold you back.

. . . to let anyone else define you.

. . . to not occasionally reevaluate your self, your life, your goals, your hairstyle, your wardrobe or your career.

. . . to hold grudges.

. . . to not stand up for yourself and what you believe in.

. . . to keep bad friends in your life simply because they've "always" been there.

. . . to not get frisky in public places.

. . . to hate. You shouldn't waste the protein.

. . . to follow every fad.

. . . to stay in at a job you hate just for the security.

. . . to not demand the best out of everything in your life.

What is life too short for?

Make it or Break it

2008-08-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

They say it takes 21 days to break an old or form a new habit and I always have a small list of a handful of habits that I would like to break/make. They are bad habits that I have continually done since I was probably a child, such as discarding the day's outfit on the floor as I got ready for bed and waited to rehang them until the pile was too large and annoyed me too much ( aka I was sick of stepping on them).

Also, picking out the following day's outfit the night before, instead of standing in front of my closet for far too long in the mornings, trying to decide what to wear that day. I have gone as far as to hang a hook outside my closet, so that the designated outfit would have a place to readily hang.

I am awful about getting my hair and makeup done before I leave the house and while I do go to school in a huge beauty salon, it is frowned upon to do your hair and makeup there and so many days, I just go without. Let me tell you, I look better with makeup on. Perhaps that is why I like it so much . . . it really does enhance my features.

Ideally, I would take ten extra minutes to put my lunch together the night before, just as I do Mike's. I think I would be less prone to just grab a frozen SmartOne's and actually prepare something homemade, like a salad.

Throwing out junk mail when I receive it instead of just laying it down and then picking it up in a feng shui attack once a week or so. The junk has been greatly reduced since I got on the list to stop all the damn credit card offers.

Being less of a pack rat when it comes to my closet and throwing out (donating, giving away) clothes I don't wear anymore. I hate to admit it, but I have things in my closet that I have worn since high school. I take good care of my clothing (despite the pile in the bedroom), so these articles don't look like things I have worn since 1998, but when I sport a sweater I rocked in my senior portraits, I know it is time to discard some things and update my wardrobe.

Get up when my alarm goes off and make better use of the morning instead of sleeping in until that last possible moment and then rushing out the door.

See? Primarily, these are silly little habits that I have harbored since at least 1991 and they are ones that I always think to attempt to change. It's not a good idea to try to take them all on at the same time, but to focus on one or two and be mindful of the others until I have successfully changed one and am able to move on.

What habits would you like to change, quit or initiate?

I'll Get It Where I Can

2008-08-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

I know it sounds crazy, but I am pretty sure that is at least one person out there who would like to see me fail in this continual weight loss quest. It's not the first time I have received "interesting" feedback when I was successfully losing weight.

A couple of years ago, when I dropped about thirty pounds, a good friend** of mine kept calling it "just water weight", which I could understand if it were, say, the first ten pounds. But fifteen? Twenty-five pounds? That cannot all be water weight. Then, one day when I was at her house, we were picking outfits for a night on the town when I commented on how much I loved her warped mirror that elongated things. Made me look skinnier than I already was.

"I didn't want to say anything when you got here, because I didn't want to inflate your ego. But you are looking pretty skinny."

And then, a year and a half later, when I saw her again and was losing, she flat out (but playfully) called me a "skinny bitch". The thing is, this friend has always been fairly slender and gorgeous and I was always her thicker friend. She's never really had any issues with her weight, so I wasn't all that sure why my getting thinner would bother her.

Sometimes, when you go and do things for yourself, it forces people to look at their own lives and lifestyles and wonder if there isn't anything they too could be doing to improve themselves. And more often than not, I see, hear and feel that struggle with weight loss. Probably because there are so many people who feel that they could stand to lose five or ten or fifty pounds.

Its strange when you set out on a journey like this and feel like someone is watching, waiting, hoping for you to fail. Its kind of defeating, if you really stop and think about. I mean, why would anyone want someone to fail at something like this? What would they gain from my failure?

It doesn't matter to me though. I let it be motivation and inspiration. When I feel that I am getting lazy or weak or stuck in a rut, I imagine them just grinning at my momentary lapse and I get up and force myself to do what I've thought of avoiding. It's tackling fuel. And all take as much of that as I can, from wherever its going to come from.

** I should mention that at this current time, I am not feeling these vibes from this particular friend. So no one read into that.

Somebody's Hero

2008-08-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

One of the best things, for me, about A. growing up, and B. living in Vancouver as an adult, is the fact that I get to have this incredible, awesome friendship with my mother. Truly, it is something that has cultivated throughout the last twelve years or so, because before that, it was a mother/daughter relationship much like many little girls. But when I reached the age where I could look at my parents and see them not as the flawless, law enforcing, all powerful and forever correct super-beings we believe them to be as kids, but as the flawed, individual and vastly varied humans they really are, I realized that my parents were pretty damn amazing.

First of all, they managed to raise two productive, levelheaded, educated children who aren't on any drugs of any sort (other than birth control), aren't in therapy, aren't in jail, aren't on welfare, who don't have any illegitimate children or arrest records. Two kids who have become kind, thoughtful, consider humans, who both look around and seek out how to better the world around them, for both themselves and their friends, but also, the world in general. I know I sound like I am tooting my own horn, but mostly I am talking about my brother and somewhat assuming he would say the same about me. My brother definitely was a handful as a small child, with health problems and a very dependent temperament, while I gave them more of a struggle through our teen years with my love life on my sleeve and my somewhat lack of direction when it came to the future. But fast forward to now and you have two thriving adults who value their parents and each other more than just about anything.

Second of all, they are just great people to spend time with. Always there for a laugh, a story, a movie, a day out shopping. Always there, always caring and always loving. I know when a child is born, they are flawless, innocent and easy to love. But as we grow up and develop minds, opinions and attitudes of our own, we can be a lot less lovable. And my parents love me unconditionally.

For the past three or four Mondays, my mom and I have been spending the days together. She's been off of work for the summer (a perk of working at ESD) and my weekends have fallen on Sundays and Mondays, so it seemed pretty natural for us to get together on Mondays for shopping, walking and our "WW" meetings together. I have already gotten so used to having those days with her and since school is starting again soon, she won't be able to meet me like before.

I've been thinking about her and I and my future children and though that is a future that is a few years away, I have to say it scares me a bit. Because I've had such an amazing mother, I worry that I won't be half the mother she was to me. Just because this is something that I want so badly, it doesn't mean that its something that is going to come naturally and flawlessly to me. I look at the other mothers I know and how amazing they are with their kids . . . there has to be a bad apple in every bunch, right? What if it's me?

My patience is short. My stubborn streak is wide and long and thick. I hear obnoxious children screaming in the store and I have half a mind to go and thank the mother for reminding me why I am not yet a mother. I couldn't handle that; not yet at least. Children running in my way at the grocery store make me want to scream and kids that roll by on those damn Heely shoes (indoors) make me want to trip them. I want to grab them and ask them "Where is your mother and why isn't she watching you?"

I worry that I'll have this child and it will be perfect until I get my hands on it and I manage to screw it up. I am not saying that I don't have my flaws and scars, but my parents did a damn good job of not turning us into something they wouldn't be proud of. Is it an irrational fear that I might not be as skilled?

Flowin' Freely, Warm and Quiet

2008-08-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

A wise woman once told me that for however long you loved a person, it will take you that long to heal from them. Since I was desperately trying to get over my ex, I didn't want to believe it at the time. Looking back now, I would have to admit she was right. The emotions definitely faded and "healed" with time, but it probably took about four years after our splitting for my heart to finally say "Enough time looking back. Let's focus on forward."

The past year and a half since then have been far more harmonious when it comes to looking at, talking about and understanding that chapter of my life. I choose now to refer to my closing that chapter as "when I left California" and not when I broke up with the ex. Mike doesn't care to ever really discuss the ex or that portion of my past because it is just that - behind us. He's moved on, I've moved on and more than anything, time has moved on.

There is the occasional thing that takes me back, because I am cursed with this fantastic memory but it feels more like I am recalling then reliving these days. And those occasional things are growing to be fewer and further between.

I came across this song recently and I have to say it is as if someone opened up my heart, read everything I was feeling that last week we were "together" (breaking up/still living together) and then poetically set it to music.

Keep You
By Jennifer Nettles, Kristian Bush and Bobby Pinson

We said, goodbye, tried a hand at magic
But we couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here
It's a bittersweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
What do I gotta do
What do I gotta do to keep you
What do I gotta do to keep you from
doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes, one in love
one in anger
They're lying there dying in the dresser
drawer
Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me 'til I loved you even more
It' a bittersweet victory
Knowin' someone else wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain
And numb to the sting
Til you can't feel anything

You tried to explain
But I couldn't hear it
As if your words
were my tears
Flowin' freely
Warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes
in my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do
What do I gotta do to keep
What do I gotta do to keep you from
doing this to me

I suppose this just goes to show that no one can fully and truly say "No one knows how I am feeling." Emotions are varied and vast, but there is that chance that someone is going through the very same experience as you and they could know the very beats of your heart.

It's recalling things like this that make me snuggle a little bit closer into Mike's embrace.

Verbal Weigh-in

2008-08-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

Ahh . . . week two is done and my weight is down, though for now it is still just a recovery mission as I attempt to repair the damage the summer has brought with it's bbq's and boozy goodness. I continue to amp up the exercise and feel myself being more energized throughout the length of the workout. It's kind of crazy that I am becoming this girl who looks forward to workouts and salads and Gardenburgers. Not because they are "diet" things, because this isn't a diet. It's a lifestyle change. And each time I attempt to change it, a little more sticks.

I tried on that pair of jeans my mom got me for my birthday that still have the tags on them. I was a bit depressed when I couldn't get them buttoned without muffin top spilling over, but they were buttoned and when I stopped and looked at the tag, I saw they were a size smaller than I thought they were. So technically, I can fit into size 10's, but it ain't a pretty sight. We'll try those again in ten pounds and see if there are better results.

The weekends are the hardest, when I have time on my hands and the kitchen seven feet away. Oh, and a husband who likes meat and potato meals. Like tonight's Meat Loaf and smashed potatoes. But after using the hand WW online tool for recipe building (and recipe points breakdown), I opted to drop the number of points per serving for our Meatloaf recipe for Turkey and even Mr. Meat and Potatoes himself liked it.

Now I just need to get him turned onto Gardenburgers. They really are delicious.

I'll be your rock, you be my anchor

2008-08-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

Oh hi!

I'm around. No, I have not been sucked dry from the heat or beaten down by the multitude of pedicures people have been requesting this week or been entirely and utterly drawn into the Olympics (though they are probably the most riveting thing on television this week and has been primarily what we've been watching here in the Frey household.). I have been pretty preoccupied with staying on track with the diet this week, since like any race, the further you get from the starting line, the more likely you are to lose stamina and wander off course. I could blog about it on here as much as I am writing about it in my paper journal, but I would like to keep you, my beloved readers. I don't want to bore you with how completely OC (obsessive-compulsive) I can be when I really get into all of this.

I have been thinking quite a bit about what kind of a 'look' I want to carry once I am to a point that I need to buy new, smaller clothes and will have this stylish career to dress as well. There are several stores at the top of my list that I want to frequent once I am in a size I feel is worthy of shopping there (because currently, I don't love myself enough to even try on anything in them) and I eagerly look forward to the day I can comfortably shop there.

Tomorrow will be my splurge night, when I will drink up some Sarahbear time and some delicious wine as well, both of which I feel I have earned this week. Sarah is such an amazing, awesome person. There are few people I have ever met that get ME as well as she does, as quickly as she has and she is definitely an anchor who keeps me tethered to who I am when I feel like I am losing myself a bit at school. Being stuck at school every day from 9 am to 8 pm can make you feel a bit isolated from the life you used to know and her text messages throughout the day keep me centered.

All right . . . off to a cool shower and bed. I have school in the morning and the only thing about that which I am looking forward to is the crappy AC they have there. Personally, I'd rather be slathered up in sunblock and hanging out at the pool. But that's just me.

LYLAS

2008-08-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment to say how much I love my friends. You all are so incredible and inspiring and creative and fun. I love that my group of friends are so varied and yet, so similar in their brilliance. They all shine so much. Diamonds. I know how lucky I am to have a group of friends like I do.

Ladies, thank you all for being who you are. Knowing you is so sweet.

Tales from the treadmill

2008-08-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

It was a unique experience tonight to be the one on the treadmill who was exerting more energy. I got home from school about 8:30 and immediately changed and headed over to the gym to workout. The lights were pretty dim in the gym, so I assumed that no one else was in there, but as I walked in, I was greeted with the eyes and cautious smile of another girl my age walking on my favorite treadmill (really - does it matter? There are only two.). She was strolling and talking on the phone, so I just smiled back and took the other treadmill and started up my gym mix on the iPod.

I had to turn the music up loud enough to mostly drown her out, because I didn't really want to eavesdrop on her conversation (I'm not that kind of girl). It's strange, but having her there made me push myself a little harder, not because I wanted to beat her, but just because someone else was there.

She chatted for awhile and then finally finished up her convo and then pulled open her novel, never really increasing her treadmill.

Yeah. Boring story. But it did make me feel good that I was practically speed walking (a la that Comcast commerical) in next to her. Usually I am the tortoise and everyone else is the hare. Also, I've shaved a minute and a half off of my time!

So . . . just wondering if anyone else has accidentally put an iPod through the wash? I did it last night to Mike's and we are hoping now to see some kind of life in the thing. A few girls at school had promising, similar stories of MP3 players and cellphones that went swimming and returned to the living. I just feel so bad. This is exactly why we don't do each other's laundry. Sad face.

Looking forward, looking back

2008-08-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

Week one is done, with a sigh of relief and optimism. I stayed within my daily points everyday except for Friday, which was the night of Rondi's birthday party and I feel good about it all. I have spent all week finding healthy alternatives to the meals I made Mike (like an eggwhite omelet and slice of toast to his pancakes and scramby eggs this morning) and can proudly say there is an impressive loss this week.

Tomorrow Mom and I will meet up and spend our day together, starting with our official weekly weigh ins and a good walk somewhere, whether it be the waterfront or a portion of the Discovery Trail. It's definitely easier to do this when you have someone (or someones) doing this with you, every step of the way. Several of the girls at school are doing WW or working on their weight and we can all share ideas and recipes together while trying to ignore the fatty snack filled vending machine in the shampoo room.

When weight starts falling off quickly, my mind does like to jump to the highly improbable, highly imaginative possibility of losing that same amount every week. I do the math and see how quickly I could be at my goal weight, but I know that 1. Weight loss doesn't fall off like that unless there is something seriously wrong and 2. The faster you lose it, the faster you regain it if you aren't careful.

Its a very interesting parallelism between being proud of everything that you do, every goal you reach and every pound (or half) you lose and not looking like you are a gloating b&!*h who is only fishing for compliments. I think anyone who takes their health into their own hands and takes the right steps towards being healthier deserves a pat on the back and a round of applause. But while doing this, I am going to try hard to document and talk openly about it all without making it feel like "Planet Look at me!"

Anyone got any great song suggestions for my gym playlist? Mine current one is getting a bit stale . . .

Why do I want this so badly???

2008-08-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

1. Because I don't want to cringe when I see myself:
    A. Naked in a mirror
    B. Fat in a picture
    C. Unable to fit into a cute piece of clothing

2. Because I have too many cute things in my closet I want to wear.

3. Because being happier with myself means being happier with many aspects of my life.

4. Because I don't really like wearing control top underwear or Spanx.

5. Because I want to be thin before I get fat with a pregnancy.

6. Becase I have a box of skimpy underwear I put away years ago, before I ever even met Mike. He deserves to see me in them.

7. Because if I do it, I'll be an inspiration to others in my life who want to lose weight with me.

8. Because I want to look damn good at my high school reunion next year.

9. Because feeling fit and healthy is much better then chocolate, french fries and cheesy bread.

10. Because I am determined to be as hot as my best friends.

11. Because I am sick of shopping for size 12, 14 or XL when an 8, 10 or medium could fit me.

12. So I don't have to do the arm pose or head tilting to look thinner in pictures.

13. Because so many articles of clothing I currently wear would look better on me a little looser.

14. Because there is something so empowering about seeing:
    A. Before and After shots
    B. Clothes fitting that didn't before
    C. The numbers on the scale get lower.

15. Because I can only hide under winter layers for so long.

16. Because standing all day will be easier on my body if I weighed less.

17. Because there are so many foods out there that are tasty and healthy.

18. Because I want to finally fulfill this particular New Year Resolution.

19. Because who doesn't love to hear compliments of how thin/skinny/good they look?

20. Because Mom has put off a family portrait too many years in hopes of us losing weight.

21. Because WW meetings are fun when you don't have to pay for them.

22. Because deep down, I'd love to try on my wedding dress and have it be way too big.

23. Because there is that picture of my mother I would love to look like when I reach that age (I still can!).

24. Because I have been promising myself I would "someday" achieve this for too long.

25. Because I don't want to live my whole adult life feeling fat.

26. Because I deserve to see what my husband sees in me.

27. Because the less I weigh before pregnancy, the less I'll weigh at the end of it.

28. Because if one of the few things we can control in life is our weight, I should be in correct control of my own.

29. Because if I ever meet Mike's co-workers, I want him to be proud of a hot, thin, beautiful wife.

30. Because continually improving myself mind, body and soul is a great path to be on.

Clever Euphemism

2008-07-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

The following is Inspired by Jennie and her idea to offer writing prompts every Wednesday for interested bloggers. Here's my response to her call to "Start any story with, 'I wouldn't say it was my best idea,' and go from there."

I wouldn't say it was my best idea, but being 16 and the most "sexually experienced" of my friends, I felt it was my duty to pass along the knowledge I had gained in having my first serious boyfriend. When I say sexually experienced, I mean soared past first and second base, hoovering on third and eyeing home. Because you know, it was very important to help usher my friends into the game. There had been timid chatter around the rally room about bj's and how to give them, how to end them and what do with the stuff after it was all over. Spit? Swallow? Cry?

I had no business sharing what little information I had, but we were honor students, overachievers and despite the fact I wasn't on the school newspaper staff, I felt maybe a phamplet would be the perfect way to discreetly pass on my knowledge to my eager, yet naive, friends. I started laying out the tips I had to share on a tri-fold piece of yellow notebook paper. I was even contemplating a logo . . . it was all perfect. I had no idea how or where I would photocopy the brochure of sophomoric tip-of-sexual-iceburg tips, but then, I hadn't even thought that far ahead.

Whether it is something to be proud or ashamed of, I was definitely the most precocious of my friends and naturally, since I was the first to try everything, I was also the first most of my friends shared their sordid secrets with. To be entrusted with their blushing transgressions was an honor and now being the first to marry, I'll be the one to help usher them all into marriage too. Tear!

But I digress. The phamplet wasn't anything seedy enough to end up on Nerve.com, but it was definitely not something that I would ever want to fall into the wrong hands. Like say . . . a parent's. And it did. My own. Whether my mother was snooping or putting away laundry or snooping while putting away laundry, she did find it in my room. I didn't really attempt to hide it; I didn't think it would be in danger of being found sitting out in plain sight.

My mom, for all the crap and grief I've put her through in my adolescent years, is awesome. She didn't run to my father and pull him into the conversation. She quietly sat me down and discussed what it all meant about my sexuality and why making something like this was a terribly awful idea.

She was right. That same year, my friend Kate had become friends with this girl Dehne and somewhere they came up with a Lil' Kim album. Being the hardcore white girl thugs we were, they would bump up and down the streets of Vancouver, blaring songs talking about guys going "downtown" and other less than appropriate topics. At some point, Kate made me a copy of one of the songs and even I drove around in my Nissan 240X, feeling quite empowered and hot. But when Dehne's mother found the cd, she squealed, blaming the cd purchase on Kate and naturally, her parents were called.

It was something external, it didn't involve any of us girls, except for whoever acutally purchased the cd in the first place. I can only imagine what my handmade with love phamplet would have done to all of our freedom and independence and budding love lives.

I never mentioned the incident to my friends. Actually, this is the first I have pretty much mentioned it to anyone. Butecause it did start out, one day, probably in Algebra, as a good idea.

When I took a good look around

2008-07-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

You spend far too much time planning your wedding, for as quickly as it flies by. I mean, I feel bad when I spend an hour making a dinner that is eaten in about ten minutes, so you can imagine what spending nearly 11 months planning about a 7 hour party can do. It soars by. You lose track of time and when you hear what time it is, how far into it all you are and how little is left, it is a bit heartbreaking. (of course, there did come a point in the night when it was only 10 pm and we were both exhausted but were determined to spend the rest of the evening at the party). Looking back a year later, here is what I remember of the day.

* I hit the snooze button that morning on my phone. Even on my wedding day, I wanted a few more minutes of sleep.

* I was instructed to wash my hair that morning and blow it dry. Here is a photo I snapped of myself before we took off for the hair appointment.

* The girl at the tanning salon next door (where I had a small account with to even out my tan lines) asked if I would want to pop into the bed after I got my hair done for one last tan before the ceremony. I found that strange.

* Mom and I had bagels at NW Bagel Deli and I remember sitting there wondering if anyone else there knew what an important day it was for me.

* My friend and makeup artist was 45 minutes late to getting there to do my makeup. She kind of copped an attitude with me, but my makeup was beautiful and she did my mom for free too.

* While sitting in the chair getting my makeup done, I saw Lindsay Whareham and Josh Schwartz walk into the mall, probably head down to Macy's to get our wedding gift and leave again. I never called their attention, but would later see them at the wedding.

* Standing in my parents kitchen, somewhat pacing as I ate a ham sandwich about a half hour before I had to leave for the church.

* Text messaging Mike, much to his surprise. He didn't think that he would have any contact with me that day.

* Driving myself, alone, to the church. I got impatient and didn't want to wait any longer for her to get there. When I arrived at the church, there was only one other car there - Mike's. He and his brother were the first ones there. Darrick had to help me bring things in while Mike waited downstairs.

* Using the same restroom at the church I had used all of my life. I grew up that church . . . it's strange how the mundane and the extremely rare and extraordinary can mesh together like that.

* Trying my hardest to get into my Spanx and strapless bra without help. I finally had to call one of the girls into help hook things up correctly.

* Doing what I could to still play "photographer" that day. I managed to snap about seven photos before I realized that it was a moot point. But knowing that I would not be able to snap my own photos of the day did nag at me for quite a while leading up to the wedding.

* All of us girls huddled around the mirror trying to curl our hair, again, since something in the air that day made it impossible for any of us to hold what was originally put in.

* Helping Aja with her eye makeup. I always want my friends to look amazing.

* Having a small heart to heart with Jasmine about the fact that she wasn't going to get a basket of petals to sprinkle down the aisle. Instead, she'd have a pretty bouquet to carry.

* Getting to see Mike for the first time . . . it's one of those moments when time kind of feels like it will stand still forever.

* Jenn coming into the Bride's room to say hello. We were both in tears . . .

* Standing there, waiting for my father to walk me down the aisle, my heart racing with a bittersweet mixture of excitement and anticipation and the realization I wasn't going to be his little girl anymore. I was now going to be someone's wife.

* Walking down the aisle, I only saw Mike and my mother. . . I know other people were there, but those two were the only ones I saw.

* During the first prayer, a renegade tear ran down my face, off the tip of my nose and met my lips. I had one hand in Mike's, the other wrapped through my father's arm and holding my bouquet. I didn't know how to wipe that without disrupting anyone. So I let it stay there till it dried.

* Jumping for joy when the minister announced us as Husband and Wife. Finally.

* Getting into the limo to head to the Hilton . . . it was white and as we slid into the back, the radio was playing Billy Idol's "Love Stinks". I had to laugh.

* Noticing the cake was missing the cake topper I'd spent weeks searching for online. I asked Kate to find out where it was and the next time I looked up, it was there, perfectly in place.

* Sitting there, listening to our brother's, friends and father's toasts, knowing I wouldn't remember them but trying my best to hear what was said well enough to recall something. All I really remember is Kate and Aja mentioning how since we'd all met in high school and hadn't met as young children, I was probably their first friend by choice.

* Dancing with Mike. Him dipping me the first time, beautifully and nearly dropping me on the second dip.

* Dancing with my father and though we'd learned and practiced the waltz together, we never factored in my massive bustle. We had to throw the waltz out the window and just dance as we always do together at weddings.

* My brother being the first to come dance with me during the money dance.

* Running into Jenn and Sarah Steidl in the restroom. I just came in for some air.

* Stopping for a bit and just sitting alone with Mike at the head table. Someone snapped this pic of me as we just relaxed for the moment.

* Dancing with Jasmine. I can remember being little and wanting so desperately for the bride at any wedding we went to, to pay attention to me. If Jasmine was feeling anything like that, I wanted to fulfill that dream for her.

* Going with Mike up to our room, still in the heels I'd worn all evening. I never changed into my extra shoes. Those last few steps were a struggle, but I made it.

* Falling asleep next to my husband, the first of thousands of nights to come.

The Beginning of the celebrating

2008-07-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

Our first two anniversary cards in the mail - from my brother and one from my parents.

Andre's and Sunny D. Klassy mimosas.

A small gift from Mom

In need of some Rockstar or Redbull

2008-07-23T00:40:00.001-07:00

I found this interesting entry on Kymberli Q's blog and thought I'd take a turn at it. I've got some time to kill anyways. . .

This is how the game works:

Use Google image search to answer each question. Then, out of ONLY the first page of results, choose your favorite or most random image. It's kinda weird, but fun. Let me know if you do it so I can see who you ARE!

Age:

A place I'd like to visit:

My Favorite object:

My Favorite Food:

My Favorite Animal:

My Favorite color:

A Favorite place:

The Town Where I was born:

A past love:

My Screen Name:

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Three years ago

2008-07-21T23:29:00.001-07:00

Today marks the three year anniversary of my life beginning the changes that have led me to today. Three years ago today, I signed up for MySpace. Yeah, I am sure that you are scoffing "So what? Big deal. It's Myspace." and to a certain degree, I would have to agree. I can remember the first time I logged on and looked around, i was less than impressed. I really didn't know anyone on here and didn't do anything with my page after signing up for several weeks.

Before I'd ever signed up, the only person I knew who used Myspace was a former friend (we've just lost touch) who was a pretty active swinger. I quickly assumed that MySpace was like LavaLife or AdultFriendFinder and wasn't all that interested in meeting horny men looking for a third to spice up their flailing marriage. But after a co-worker and friend who wasn't a Swinger kept encouraging me to sign-up, I did. And then my page sat for about three weeks, unused.

Since really getting into it, I have made several amazing friends on here, who have changed my life and made it so much richer, grander than I thought it could be. You meet amazing women like Sarah Costa and all the friends she has brought into my life in the last two years and I cannot help but wonder what my life would be like without her in it. Of course there is that small chance that I would have met her somehow, in some way, since we both live here in Vancouver and it isn't that big. But we met here, on MySpace and I proudly add her to my list of closest and dearest friends.

Obviously, the biggest change that Myspace brought into my life was that Mike, my husband and I met on here. Despite the fact that we'd gone to middle school and high school together, we'd never had a class together and would both graduate and move on, only to find each other on freakin' MySpace. Actually, Mike found me. And continued to pester me for a week or so before I relented and started to really talk to the guy . . . and of course, the rest is history.

Three years ago today, I sat bored at my desk at work, in between applicants and data entry and answering the phones and started www.myspace.com/betsylou24. Who would have ever known that something that has been deemed to "ruin lives" would make mine so grand?

Depression hurts everyone

2008-07-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've been home nearly a week already and in some ways, I am just trying to catch up with life. I was out of school the entire week before my trip back East, which proved to be very helpful at the time. I was packing late into the night Tuesday night, but not nearly to the point that I have in the past. But you take a girl who's been out of school for two and a half weeks and then throw her back into an 11 hour day at school . . . well, for a short week, last week was a LONG week.

My parents stayed behind for a second week on the lake, visiting longer with my aunt Jean and uncle Rob and their children and grandchildren, as well as my grandmother who lives here in Vancouver, but was back East visiting as well. They return tomorrow and while they have been gone, my best friend Kate has been housesitting for my parents, staying in their home and caring for the family dog, Sparky.

Sparky isn't doing so well. The last week, he's been spinning more and more into a doggie depression and is making me start to wonder if I should look into Wellbutrin for him. I mean, seems like everyone is taking it these days, or some form of it, so maybe that would be what Sparky needs to get out of his funk.

The thing is, Sparky is getting pretty old. He's going to be 11 years old in September, and he is not as energetic or funloving as he was when he was two or three. But the changes in his behavior in the last two weeks have been massive. When I have gone to visit him, I haven't been able to get him to even take his favorite treats and he didn't do his happy excited dance when he first saw me. I realize in the entire structure of the family favorites by Sparky, I rank about fifth in our family of five (Mom, Andy, Dad, Grandma and then Me) but you'd think that after a week of not seeing anyone who has been familiar in the last week and a half, I would have gotten a squeak hello.

They are coming home tomorrow night and I am hoping to see a happy, rejoicing dog when they walk through the door. I've tried several times to cheer him up by talking to Mom on speakerphone, but it did no good. He still had that sad, far off "I'd be better off dead" look in his eye. To say the least, its a bit heartbreaking.

She's Miss America and I'm Just the Girl Next Door

2008-07-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

You said if I really worked at losing the weight, I could be skinny and hot like Julia DeMato. Every week you would grumble as "American Idol" started but your eyes never left the television screen when she was performing. I would look at her and see perfect makeup, perfect nails, perfect skin and a perfect size 4 body and those images would flicker back into my head as I stood bare and naked in front of the mirror before showering. I was no Julia DeMato.

You said I have a face much similar to Debra Messing of "Will and Grace". If I got skinnier, my red hair would make me look just like her. Though it would be sad to lose my boobs, because she has none. You even had hoped if we broke up that we would stay close like Grace and Will did on the show, except you wouldn't have to be gay. Gays were not your thing - though maybe I could find a girl to bring home for a threesome?

Sometimes, if I stared long enough at my face in the mirror, it would grow to be grotesque and unfamiliar. Trying to smile would only add to the awkwardness of this shield that was my face. But I had the nails of Julia DeMato thanks to weekly fill ins with Patti. And I had access, daily, to a makeup counter. For my face, much like Debra Messing's. And I tried. I so, so tried. For you. If you had your American Idol/sitcom star look-alike girlfriend, maybe we'd go out more? Maybe you would want to show me off? I loved you, you were attracted to her, maybe if I looked like her, you'd still love me.

Nevertheless, I would search those celebrity magazines for my body models, my ideals and glue them into my journal. Being very visual, I figured if I could see it, I could be it. I could be thin and striking, I could be desired.

It was in the shower that I found my solace, my comfort. the hot water and the enrapturing steam would fold over me like a blanket, hug every curve, every inch, non-judging. Your comments, though short and sparse, were sharp and clung to me. And soon I found myself fearful in my own home that I wasn't living up to the Hollywood standards you bestowed upon me. As things grew more and more sour between us, I'd spend more time with my lover, the steam. It didn't care if I cried. It loved it when I'd dye my hair every week trying to capture that signature Debra Messing red.

Long after we were over, I still couldn't smell the shampoo I used back then. It reminded me of how ordinary and fragile I really am.

I did sort of look like Debra right after we broke up. I couldn't eat and if I did, my body didn't want it but my clothes hung loose and my hair was long and red. Julia DeMato was still another 30-40 pounds away but since she'd long ago been voted off the show, my daily comparison with her had ceased.

I asked if could you believe that Ruben won, since I thought surely it would be Clay. Months had pass from our breakup and I was slowly putting a little weight back on but we were still talking on the phone. Our conversations were rarely enjoyable, more often catty and uncomfortable. Not at all like "Will and Grace". You said hadn't watched the show since I left, nor did you care who won. You'd never like anything about the show and only watched because I had made you. You didn't give a damn about "American Idol".

Even Julia DeMato? I asked.

Even Julia DeMato.

Scenes from a Family Reunion

2008-07-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

To be updated via cellphone from July 9th - 15th, 2008

Bittersweet Truths

2008-07-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

~ I probably packed too much. Chances are, 20 shirts for 7 days is a bit extreme. But who knows what I will be feeling when it is time to get dressed or change. And to be fair, all of the tank tops that I have packed can and probably will be layered.

~ This family reunion probably will not play out like all those family reunion movies we see, where everyone meets up, gets along, gets a little too personal, have some huge emotional break-down/break-through the final night of the reunion and leave feeling some huge sense of resolution and better understanding of themselves, their lives and the direction their family/life is going. Chances are, it will be a day of traveling, a day of hanging out with family I haven't seen mostly since I was 10/14/17, three days of lots and lots of family time with aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins, mostly getting to know them as you would a friend of a friend at a 4th of July bbq, another day of hanging out with family and then another day of traveling.

~ I will not return home as tan as I would like to think I will. Sure, I'll be more brown than when I left, but I doubt I will be even half as dark as Sarah is already.

~ I will not have as many profound blog posts to share as I hope I do. Or if I do, I will not have enough time to sit down and write/type them out.

~ I will be leaving my husband and therefore, my laptop, here in Washington. I don't know if my brother will be bringing his, but chances are, he'll be leaving his as well, so I will be not posting much while I am gone. But I will be sending pics from my phone to my Flickr account and they will automatically update on my page, so be sure to check throughout the next week. And those of you who have my cell number, text me to take another pic if I haven't taken one in awhile.

~ I am looking for readers who may be interested in posting a guest blog for me while I am gone. Let me know ASAP if you are interested and I'll connect you with Sarah, who will be posting them for me.

~ Sad to admit (really, really sad to admit) but I am going to feel a bit lost without Myspace for a week.

Making it "official"

2008-07-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to add a link to this and you can check back to see if/when I have updated it to see how correct I am (or incorrect). My blogger fav Jenn at She Likes Purple announced that she's pregnant today and I am already getting girl vibes.

Somewhere between miserable and happy

2008-07-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Okay . . . so in the last few weeks, I have somewhat come to be more comfortable with how I look. Obviously, there are areas that I would like more toned, more slender - less fat, but all in all, I have become far more "okay" with my body. Also, I have been building a base tan and that has helped me look a bit less thick or I at least like to think so.

But then I met a new friend on the 4th of July and she posted some pictures she took of that day and tagged me in a few. That damn one dimension flattens you out and gives little imagination to your curves.

I know I need to step it up more, get back on the treadmill and get back to counting my points. Same song, same lyrics . . . repeat chorus.

There is this really cute store in the Vancouver Mall (gasp! What???) and not only are their clothes cute, they are affordable and I could sooo see myself wearing about 80% of their stock, if I would just shed the last few pounds that need to go (few? Who am I kidding? I need to drop at least another 20 to really look good in those clothes.).

I really have no excuse, no decent reason to not be losing. I can at least be proud that I am not gaining at school (that seems to be the norm at beauty school, apparently) but I could definitely step it up a bit more and actually see some real results.

And honestly, it is only me that is pushing myself so hard. My husband is unbelievably content with me at this size (or even when I was twenty pounds heavier) but supports me losing to whatever (reasonable) size I want.

I just keep wondering what is it going to take me to get back on that wagon and get my butt into gear. I miss feeling good about myself.

Up in Smoke

2008-07-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

Okay . . . so I understand that July 4th is our nation's biggest holiday because it is the anniversary of our independence. I get the fanatical colors and parades and bbqs and all the other festivities that take place, because we are just expressing our joy for no longer being a part of jolly ol' England. But what I don't fully understand is the massive amounts of money that people dump into fireworks each year.

Especially when you live somewhere like here in Vancouver, where we annually have the largest fireworks show West of the Mississippi River. 40-ish minutes of choreographed fireworks, set to patriotic music after an entire day of festivial activities. It is something I look forward to in one part or another each year, whether I watch the fireworks at home on tv or on the riverfront or on a blanket in the park. We have this amazing display that is put on for us each year, and yet for the two weeks leading up to the 4th, nearly every single open corner of a parking lot in Vancouver has a makeshift tent peddling out thousands of dollars of fireworks.

I don't want to knock it too much, because there definitely was summer in high school where the cheerleading squad earned money for our new uniforms by working one of those stands and it was a lot of fun. My brother used to work for one of the tent companies, setting up and keeping those stands stocked, sometimes putting in 16 to 18 hour days, but also making enough money in those two and a half to three weeks that he did not have to work his entire schoolyear and was still able to keep up on his car insurance and gas and other necessities.

But why do people spend so much money on fireworks? They literally are just burning money for a few seconds of pretty lights. My parents would occasionally buy a few, but I guarantee you they have never spent over $100 dollars collectively on all the little firecrackers and sparklers they got us as kids. My brother-in-law and his family buy one of those huge packs each year and while it was a bit of fun last year to just set off fireworks with them, I still kind of shake my head in disbelief.

I know that people have the right to spend their money however they choose - whether it be on fireworks or expensive accessories or concert tickets or drugs or exotic vacations. I just kind of cringe every time I hear a neighbor set off a pre-holiday firework.

Especially at 5:45 am. Seriously . . . I know we should let freedom ring, but before 7 am??? Come on!