Monday, July 13, 2009

Making this home

In some ways, this house already feels like home. Because when I picture going home at night, it's here that I picture. And when I feel tired in the mornings and wish that I could crawl back into bed, its our ridiculously huge bedroom that I long for. Slowly, subtly I am making the place ours. I have color swatches tacted to the walls as I attempt to determine which red, green, taupe I like where. I've purchased little bins and trays in an attempt to make myself be more organized ala Dooce. I keep a running list in my head of the rooms, drawers, and shelves that I should be organizing instead of watching tv or playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.

But I am not going to lie. I kind of keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. A similar (but definitely not at all similar) situation about six years ago turned my world on it's ear and it all started/ended with moving into a new house. While the only familiar player in this sequel is me, I cannot help but notice the occasional ringing in my left ear of déjà vu. Yet Mike is not him and I am not who I was six years ago and this marriage is nothing like that relationship was.

Our second anniversary is quickly approaching and I can look back and say that year two was far more difficult than year one. Year one was a breeze in comparison. While we look around us and see numerous friends' marriages falling apart, we hold each other a little tighter, try to listen a little bit better and speak a little more clearly. I don't want to be a statistic. Or maybe I do; just one of the ones who made it through successfully.

I know without a doubt that this man loves me more than anyone else ever has, aside from my family. I can feel it in every touch and taste it in each kiss. I know that as long as I am willing to keep on keeping on, so will he. He has watched both of his parents marry, divorce, remarry and divorce again. He knew he didn't want that. I see my parents, with their 30th wedding anniversary a week away and know that they are something to aspire to.

Marriages like that are more than just a contract on paper.

Marriages like that are a foundation and walls and fabrics and pictures and everything that makes a house a home. No amount of planting or painting or organizing is going to make this home, because it already is.

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