When somebody knows you well, there's no comfort like that

This picture was shamefully stolen from Sarah of frecklesandfairytales.blogspot.com/ but since its me (and she's my best friend) I really don't think she'll mind. I can easily say that I am only making it through these first days of transition as smoothly as I am thanks to my incredible group of friends. From endless text messages to endearing emails and instant message chats, entirely too many drinks for a Wednesday evening and runaway trips on Sunday afternoons or unexpected support from people I figured had given up on me, I am surrounded by endless support. And I am entirely grateful and thankful.

Since I am now paying for a gym membership, I am trying to make the most of my freetime. Watching less tv, unless I am on an elliptical or treadmill or at least have weights in hand. Trying to read more (a co-worker's sons have lent me their Percy Jackson series and so far, I find them quite delightful!) and write more too. But I'm also trying to work on me more too. And that is not easy.

I told a dear friend Saturday night that my "first and main focus is to get my body, mind, heart and soul all into amazing shape this year". But let me tell you, finding ways to mute your inner critic and increase your personal view of your self-worth is not as easy as one might think. People who seem almost full of themselves I watch with awe now, because I don't know how to be that. I don't know how to not pick myself apart in the mirror.

In an issue of Redbook I was thumbing through a few weeks ago, it suggested you make lists of your life, other than "To Do" lists. Lists like 10 places you would like to go in your life. 15 Things you would like to try. The one that peaked my interest? 20 Things I Love About Myself.

So I tried to do it.

I could only list 17. Three slots sit open and empty. I keep waiting for something else to come to me.

I am mostly settled into my parent's home, which has been easy, but am still spending spare time back at my old house, packing up the last five years of my life, which has been very hard. More than once, I have broken down and sobbed (and for anyone who knows me, knows I don't often cry) and have even gone as far as to suggest to my mom (who took days off of work to help me pack) that we just burn the place down. She quickly dismissed it.

January was for letting go and mourning. February is for regearing and starting to rediscover what it means to be me, now. About to turn 29. About to be single again. March . . . well, I'll determine what March is for once I am a bit closer to it.

February is also for love. And while I may not be able to list 20 things I love about myself, I can come up with 28 people and things I love in my life.

Love list #1 Sarah

I'm starting with Sarah. Love, love, love her! I love her open heart and brilliant mind. She is extraordinarily talented, very ecclectic and entirely unique. Often attempted to be duplicated, but she is the original and those copycats pale in comparison. She knows my soul and hears what I am saying, even if the words never leave my lips. The energy surrounding her is intoxicating and it is no wonder why she is loved and leaned on by so many people. She is the kind of person you want to have in your world. I cannot imagine what my life would be like these days had I not ever met her.

Again, shamefully stolen from her. Hey, she has a MUCH better camera.

Working hard to get my fill

If you had told me a month ago what a rollercoaster May was going to be, I wouldn't have believed you. The ups, the downs, the foreshadowing and the full out surprises that have occured. It will be a month to remember, for sure. 

Big changes have started to roller in a forward motion, both in my personal and professional life. All are scary and exciting at the same time. I have an idea of what the end of June will look like, but who knows. I never would have pictured May shaping up as it has.

Things I have learned in May: 

-the importance of balance.

-people can take steps in the right direction, but are just as capable of backtracking too.

-going for what you want is what is most important. Opinions be damned.

-there is no such thing as bad publicity.

-my wishes are magical.

-All you need in life are some great friends and supportive family. Great family and supportive friends are awesome too.

-People will surprise you. Both in positive and negative ways.

-Playing neutral occasionally really is the way to go.

-Never announce you have a secret if you are woman. Everyone assumes you are pregnant. Even when you aren't.

-I have the greatest parents EVER. Hands down. 

Now I just need to get over this cold and stop sounding like a 60 year old chain smoker. 

The Magical Year

I was told on Friday, my birthday, that 28 is a magical year. Astrologically - important things happen on your 28th, 56th, and 84th birthdays. I am hoping that this is true. I mean, who wouldn't want a magical, important year?

The entire birthday weekend was incredible. I really have some amazing, loving friends who are always there for me. Came into my station at the salon entirely decorated, with gifts and balloons and confetti and a huge tasty cupcake. Went out for drinks with friends Friday night and had a party at my parent's place on Saturday night.


S.R. Costa Photography



S.R. Costa Photography



Cory's cupcakes and a tiny birthday cake too. Cakesbycory.net



The amazing bag Sarah made for me. It's perfect for carting around my clippers and trimmers and color supplies for when I make hair house calls. And I do make house calls, if anyone is interested!













The other incredible bag I received for my birthday: A gorgeous new Coach handbag from my parents. Many thanks to all the random women who looked my age at the store that my mother stopped and asked their for their opinion. You all chose beautifully. I love it!





Calla Lilys from Crystal, along with some wine and chocolate. You cannot go wrong with that.




Music has been a driving force in my life and I am now set for awhile. iTunes gift cards from Aja, Mike and the girls at the salon. Anyone got music suggestions?




Also from Sarah, this inventive writer's journal, with tabs for all the inital areas of story writing.







Either my friends know of my love for candles and all good smelling things or our place smells and they are trying to tell us something. I am going for the former. Candles from Kristie, Aja and Lindsay. The reed diffuser is from Kristie as well.




Lindsay got me a Sensy candle warmer and two different scents for it.



Kate and Joe got Mike and I (The Freys) concert tickets to The Fray. Cute and definitely something I will throughly enjoy.




From my brother and his girlfriend, a gift card to Bed, Bath and beyond and from one of the girls at work, a Starbucks card.




Also not photographed, earrings from Dede to grow my earring collection, wine and cds from Aja, moisturizer and face wash from my parents.

So friends, thank you so much for helping me celebrate. I am so very blessed to have you all in my life and look forward to helping you celebrate your next birthday.

Here comes the magical year. I hope to capture as much of the magic as possible.

LYLAS

I just wanted to take a moment to say how much I love my friends. You all are so incredible and inspiring and creative and fun. I love that my group of friends are so varied and yet, so similar in their brilliance. They all shine so much. Diamonds. I know how lucky I am to have a group of friends like I do.

Ladies, thank you all for being who you are. Knowing you is so sweet.

Accepting the (dirty) truth

God, I love She Likes Purple. This girl so perfectly captures what I am thinking or feeling sometimes, it's a bit scary.

From "The View" posted today, June 19th, 2008:

Some people will always think I'm too ugly or too fat or too insecure or too liberal or too open-minded or too close-minded or too messy (which, well, they've got a point) or too happy or too depressed or too awkward or too wound up. They'll think my nose is too big or I'm too short or I don't listen to good enough music or I eat at Chili's too often or I make my dog talk or I watch too much reality television and not enough educational programming even though educational programming makes me more bored out of mind than more knowledgeable. Some people will think a million things of me, and they may dislike me for each one, and, regardless, I'd still be breathing in and out, and it would all be okay. It's even slightly self-absorbed to worry about all the ones who don't like me, isn't it? Why would I expect every breathing human to find me witty and likable?

*****************

I did something recently that I am not at all proud of and despite my attempts to rationalize or trivalize what I did to make myself feel better, it doesn't change that I f*ked up and hurt someone. Also, I hurt myself in the process, as she is friends with some of my friends and I worry that get togethers that include all of us are going to be extremely awkward, if for no one else, for me. But that is the price I pay for being a jerk. Now, I also have to come to accept the fact that chances are, this person who used to like me, probably now doesn't. I am the ass here; kick me if you please.

It's weird; I am okay with people who I don't like, not liking me back. It somehow justifies my feelings towards them. But when they seem to like you, it just feels strange. There is a girl at school who is like that. She's rubbed me the wrong way from the start (as well as a number of other people) but she is nothing but nice to me. How do you deal with that?

Rain Check

've tried so hard to be happy and perky and optimistic today, despite the gloomy weather, but knowing what weekend it is and where I could have been this weekend, had it not been for my school schedule. See this weekend is our annual Memorial Day weekend trip, a tradition that my closest friends from high school and I try to do each year. It started in 2003, when several of the girls went to visit Kate while she was still living in Las Vegas. The following year, seven of us got together in San Diego, staying at Jessica's family's house on Coronado. After that, we all headed out to Miami while Liz was living there. This year it was decided we would head to Sedona, Arizona and we secured a timeshare for the entire week before anyone could definitely commit to attending.

It's the smallest group of all this year down there right now - Aja, Kate and Liz. The rest of us had schedule conflicts and though it sucks, we all accepted it and hope that next year will be far more allowing for all of us to join up. And up until today, I was fine with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go. It's just another sacrifice in a growing list of things I am giving up for 2008 to get this license of mine. But when I woke up this morning and it was pouring and gray and nasty out . . . well it took every fiber in my being not to look up the weather report for Sedona. I don't think I could handle seeing just how warm and sunny and beautiful and Memorial day weekend-ish it is down there.

It's not even about getting to get away for a long weekend to a warm destination. With my pale Irish skin, I am generally the one slathered in SPF 70 and hanging out on the beach in a tiny tent. It's about getting away from things and getting to see my friends who used to be a car ride away and now are in Seattle, Boulder, Washington D.C. It's about being able to shed all previous schedules and just live for the weekend.

The pools in our apartment complex opened up this weekend for the summer. I am hoping it is nice enough tomorrow for me to lay out for a little bit to begin to build a base for New York. Ahhh yes . . . I may not be able to spend a week in Sedona, but I do have that family reunion coming up in July. I guess my waterlogged heart will just have to look forward to that.

It's Electric

Kristie and I were safely tucked into Top Shelf, enjoying the (loud) music and sipping on our first round of martinis when I noticed the first bolt of lightening. I thought it might be a camera flash, but after I pointed out the sky from the East growing darker and darker, I knew we were in for a storm. But we happily sipped away on our drinks and settled into some great conversation.



It was pouring by the time Halley and Mel joined us.



And we sipped our drinks, chatted with people we ran into at the bar and sent stupid text messages back and forth between each other. Actually, Kristie and Halley were texting each other. Sarahbear was texting me from her sofa at home, intoxicated just enough that I couldn't coax her to come out and join us.

We then headed to Dodge City after Halley's pleading, where we danced it up a bit.




(Yeah, that's the Electric Slide they are doing. Or attemping to do in Halley's case.)

We lost Halley to the bathroom after awhile and weren't sure what was taking so long. We knew there wasn't a line. . .  Mel went in there after her, only to find her backcombing hair for the girls in there who were complaining that their hair had fallen flat.

Leave it to a beauty school student to carry a comb for teasing in her purse.

I am definitely are going to need many more nights like this . . . .

Tipsy on friendship

When we get together, it's a dynamic tidal wave of news and updates and just this rapid firing of all the thoughts that have run through our heads in the past few weeks. Its strange to go from having seen these girls nearly every day for four years to hardly ever seeing them at all in our college days and now . . . here we are, somewhere in the middle of all of that. Ten years may have passed, but when we get together, we might as well still be those girls curled up in our sleeping bags at a rally sleepover. Our lives are going in so many different directions and we are lucky if we get to see each other even for an evening a month, but when we do, I relish in those few hours.

At one point in the past, I didn't speak with either of my closest friends from high school. Our lives were drifting back then as well and it was harder for us to look past our differences and just accept. It was easier to pull away, and so we did that. Those were lonely times. And though we aren't able to see each other all that often, (despite our living only miles away from each other now, though a few years ago, there were thousands of miles between us) there is something comforting about knowing that when things rough, you can call them and they will drop anything and everything to be there for you.

The annual Memorial Day weekend trip is coming up next weekend and it has been scheduled for Arizona this year (previous years have included Miami, Vegas and San Diego). Sadly, it sounds like only three of the seven of us who generally attend will be able to go this year and I am not one of them. So it was nice to be able to spend a little bit of time with the girls tonight, since I will not be there in Sedona on Memorial day, putting back a few with the ladies.