Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Handwritten Journal Excerpt

August 29th, 2008

It definitely is a drug - losing weight. I can see where eating disorderists get their buzz from. Being strong and not giving into cravings and then seeing the number on the scale get smaller is so validating. Yes, it was hard to turn down the Krispy Kreme doughnuts everyone was passing around this morning, but how many of those people will be a size smaller on Columbus day? Oh yeah . . . . I go to bed each night looking forward to weighing in the next morning. I love all the little places I am tracking this daily process - each day writing the numbers down. I am understanding why eating all those points is so important and I feel I am getting a more even, consistent loss because of it. Combined with regular workouts (something too terribly new to act like any kind of a veteran over.) I know reaching and maintaining my goal is reasonable and a reality to reach for me.

I was hardly ever a person to compare my body shape and size to friends of entirely different proportions. I never expect to be a 4 or 2, a small. An A cup. Able to shop in tween sections for myself. I'll never see specific bones sticking out and that's okay. I'm okay with that. I just want to look like a leaner, more toned and radiant me. I want to try on and wear clothes that have been too tight or small for too long.

I have come to grips with a number of aspects of my life - how much money I'll ultimately make, how few of my friends will ever envy my life or desire its generic simplicity. How much of a let down my not finishing my English degree was. But one of the grew things about myself I ever allow myself to feel inferior about is how slendor or thick I am and how poorly I look in my clothing in comparison to others.If I could just reach my personal weight goal (which to be honest I have not done since I was 15) I know that insecurity woul be muted.

Looking at my mother, my aunt, my grandmother ( and honestly, a huge number of the women in today's society) I know my weight is a possible battle I'll fight a large chunk of my life. I coul definitely curb that battle if I keep the portion control up as well as the exercise.

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