Positive Alternative

He was tall, dark and handsome and sitting across from me in a booth at Denny's at about 1 am on a Saturday morning. I had just left another less than stellar date when he called and wanted to meet up, mostly to avoid having to walk into his house and past his roommate and girlfriend having sex on the sofa. "The whole place probably reeks of vagina."

Yes, folks, I was a positive alternative to a house reeking of vagina. I should have just gone home right then and there. But I was hungry and craving those pancake puppies that Denny's has on their menu, so I went. And while no penises were displayed for me, TDH did pull out his Droid, brought up my profile and began to compared my pictures "the real deal". When I admitted that of course they were some of the best of best of me I'd put up, he cooed "Awww . . . you think you're ugly, don't you?"

What do you say to that? Yes, I do. You sound like you are either fishing or have horrible self-esteem. No, I know I am smoking hot. You sound conceited and stuck up. Its a double edge sword I didn't ask to play with.

He also started to read to me what I had posted about myself. "You like music and movies. How original!"

"Yes, I know what it says. I did write it. " TDH smirks to himself and I begin to lose interest, in both him (which was only mild to begin with) and my puppies (which were not nearly as delicious as I had recalled). It also did not help that TDH pointed out that they looked like battered testicles.

So at some point, once we were done eating, he gets up and moves to my side of the booth (ahhhh flashbacks!!!) but not to show me his member. He's 6'6" and wanted to stretch out his legs. And there the rest of our 'date' commenced, with both of us kind of talking at each other, not with each other as he watched other late night diners walk in, scantily clad women and bewildered looking men who were quite thrown by this TDH man staring at them.

Then he laid his head on my shoulder. "Your shoulder feels good for a stranger."

I think I'm going to stay that way to him. . . a stranger.

Adventures in Dating

One of the most interesting (entertaining, mind-numbing, exhilarating, dread-inducing) aspects of the end of a relationship is, of course, when you decide it is time to start dating again. Having been with my ex for about four and a half years when we finally called it quits, my dating game is a little dusty, and therefore, my dating tools are rusty as well. Relearning the ins and outs has been smirk-worthy, to say the least and though I have only been dating now for a handful (five or six) months, I do have some stories to share.

I shall share them as they come, because they are too good not to, but I am going to change the names because, well, this is the internet. In 2010. Chances are, they may stumble across the blog.

So a few weeks ago, I met this guy (we'll call him Softie) at The Kennedy School in North Portland. He was from SE Portland, so it was about halfway for both of us and I am a big fan of the McMenamins establishments. I will admit that I met him online on one of those free dating sites that seems to be filled with more fakers than shakers and while he was very nice and we had some witty banter between us, he wasn't quite what I thought he would be. (I really need to stop making so many assumptions based on photos and also to remember that a lot of short men all say they are 5'11". It seems to be the average lying height. Its like all women saying they weigh about 140 on their license when in actuality, its like 180). But we had a few beers and an appetitizer and then he randomly got up from his side of the booth and slid in next to me on my side.

He grabbed my right hand. He slid it into his lap and suddenly I am feeling the unmistakable soft skin of his penis. "Why am I touching your dick?" I ask him.

"I want you to feel how soft it is."

"Its actually quite hard."

"Yeah, but the skin is so soft . . . "

Clearly, he's not getting a second date.