Monday, February 1, 2010

When somebody knows you well, there's no comfort like that

This picture was shamefully stolen from Sarah of but since its me (and she's my best friend) I really don't think she'll mind. I can easily say that I am only making it through these first days of transition as smoothly as I am thanks to my incredible group of friends. From endless text messages to endearing emails and instant message chats, entirely too many drinks for a Wednesday evening and runaway trips on Sunday afternoons or unexpected support from people I figured had given up on me, I am surrounded by endless support. And I am entirely grateful and thankful.
Since I am now paying for a gym membership, I am trying to make the most of my freetime. Watching less tv, unless I am on an elliptical or treadmill or at least have weights in hand. Trying to read more (a co-worker's sons have lent me their Percy Jackson series and so far, I find them quite delightful!) and write more too. But I'm also trying to work on me more too. And that is not easy.
I told a dear friend Saturday night that my "first and main focus is to get my body, mind, heart and soul all into amazing shape this year". But let me tell you, finding ways to mute your inner critic and increase your personal view of your self-worth is not as easy as one might think. People who seem almost full of themselves I watch with awe now, because I don't know how to be that. I don't know how to not pick myself apart in the mirror.
In an issue of Redbook I was thumbing through a few weeks ago, it suggested you make lists of your life, other than "To Do" lists. Lists like 10 places you would like to go in your life. 15 Things you would like to try. The one that peaked my interest? 20 Things I Love About Myself.
So I tried to do it.
I could only list 17. Three slots sit open and empty. I keep waiting for something else to come to me.
I am mostly settled into my parent's home, which has been easy, but am still spending spare time back at my old house, packing up the last five years of my life, which has been very hard. More than once, I have broken down and sobbed (and for anyone who knows me, knows I don't often cry) and have even gone as far as to suggest to my mom (who took days off of work to help me pack) that we just burn the place down. She quickly dismissed it.
January was for letting go and mourning. February is for regearing and starting to rediscover what it means to be me, now. About to turn 29. About to be single again. March . . . well, I'll determine what March is for once I am a bit closer to it.
February is also for love. And while I may not be able to list 20 things I love about myself, I can come up with 28 people and things I love in my life.

Love list #1 Sarah

I'm starting with Sarah. Love, love, love her! I love her open heart and brilliant mind. She is extraordinarily talented, very ecclectic and entirely unique. Often attempted to be duplicated, but she is the original and those copycats pale in comparison. She knows my soul and hears what I am saying, even if the words never leave my lips. The energy surrounding her is intoxicating and it is no wonder why she is loved and leaned on by so many people. She is the kind of person you want to have in your world. I cannot imagine what my life would be like these days had I not ever met her.

Again, shamefully stolen from her. Hey, she has a MUCH better camera.


  1. Betsy..Betsy..Betsy... way to make me get teary eyed ;-) When I read the things you write I know you are inside my head.. you can put words to the things I think but don't really know how to say. You know we are in the same boat always cirtical of ourselves. I think we need to the 20 things list for eachother maybe it will help us to see what others see in us.. you are incredible and just said some really thoughtful and kind things about me. Thank you so much.

    You know I think its so hard trying to figure it all out at once. I mean the body you work on but if your heads putting your efforts down and minimlizing the efforts.. then its hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you dont look as good as you should. then there are always people there to make you feel like crap if you let them... Its a vicious cycle we must break

  2. Very sweet. I love this LOVE list idea.

    I also love reading your blog. You are so dang good at putting thoughts into words and somehow making sense out of all this. I cant imagine what its like to walk in your shoes, but I am better for having read your thoughts as you navigate through these hard times.

    We are all so much more alike than we really know. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for reminding me that calories don't burn themselves. hehe :D